Holidaymakers are “furious” that the holiday firm has left them high and dry. Magaluf regular Harry “Hatchet” Nobbs said “this is digusting. I paid £34 for this holiday and I have every right to be flown back. I don’t care if they’re part of ABTA or not – the fact is, I’ve paid good money for my two weeks here in Magaluf – well, somewhere close to Magaluf – and the least they can do is get me home.”

Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U is Shytte-on-Sea’s largest online tour operator, employing 1 person out of number 32, Pratte Avenue, also listed as Barry “Bazzo” Barnstaple’s home address. The firm specialised in cheap holidays for under £50, a price that the Independent’s omnipresent travel expert Simon Calder said was “astronomical” given the quality of the holidays.

“Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U going under is a disaster for the tourism industry in Shytte-on-Sea,” spouted Calder. “There are literally tens of people who booked through Bazzo’s on a regular basis, paying several tens of pounds for holidays in places as far afield as Skegness-sur-Mer or Magaluf-on-Tyne. Ultimately, people are going to lose confidence in website-based tour operators who run their phonetically named businesses from their bedroom, and that is catastrophic for people who run phonetically named tour operations from their bedroom.”

Barnstaple was last night holed up in his bedroom at 32 Pratte Avenue, but issued a statement to reporters saying “Bazzo’s Holidays provided great value holidays for people who are seeking great value. By cutting out ABTA and all of the other regulations, checks and balances, as well as frills such as seats on flights, beds in hotels, that kind of thing, we can give our customers the holiday of their dreams for peanuts. So I’m kind of sorry for them that I – I mean, we, have ceased trading. But not much.”

Rival firm Dave’s Bonzer Holidays, based in nearby Botox-on-the-Wold, has offered to drive a coach to pick up the stranded holidaymakers. Dave, who runs Dave’s Bonzer Holidays (davesbonzerhols.biz), says that his mate Alan has “access” to a coach that he uses for his own business, Alan’s Coach Holz 4 U (alanscoachholz4u.info), and he would be “chuffed” to help out.

“It’s a sorry situation that Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U has gone bust,” said Dave. “People should still have the choice of going through an official tour operator, or a phonetically named one-man operation run from his bedroom. That’s what our ancestors fought for. So we’re giving it some Blitz spirit and we’re going to get these people back from the continent. And in future, they can come to Dave’s Bonzer Holidays for our special £25 fortnight in Corfu. Well, not quite Corfu. But somewhere close.”

“We are delighted that Shytte Local Council has decided to join us in this partnership,” wrote Lady Odiaka in an e-mail yesterday. “With the grace of God and the love of Jesus, this partnership can work for the greater good of the people of Shytte. It is what my late husband would have wanted. He always had fond spot in his heart for the people of Shytte, having visited the local Church once in his lifetime. It is great shame that he died in an aircraft accident last year, but great joy that he found time before his untimely death to grant his entire estate to Shytte Local Council.”

Although there is no record of Odiaka ever having visited Shytte, the council has the blessing of residents in rubber-stamping plans for a giant statue of King Moses outside the local branch of Aldi, and as part of the deal, they will set up guided tours of places that King Moses allegedly visited, including Poundsaver and the local brothel, Shytte Girlz.

Councillors were reportedly approached by Mrs Odiaka two months ago, and have undergone protracted negotiations regarding the release of the funds. Shytte Mayor Carbuncle Hounslow told reporters that everything was “absolutely above board,” adding “We have struck up a fantastic relationship with Lady Odiaka, who is a charming, lovely, if sometimes forgetful woman.”

“We frequently exchange e-mails in which she tells us about the horrible hardships she is having to endure to get this money out of the bank account and into ours. Also, the conditions in which she is living are just awful, so we are 100% prepared to welcome her to our town when she finally escapes the clutches of the country’s militia.”

A delegation was sent to Amsterdam, where they had “cordial” meetings with some of Lady Odiaka’s “advisors” at their temporary offices. Hounslow continued: “Our first meeting was planned for a street corner near the Leidseplein, and we were then taken to a cafe, which they are using for their temporary offices until the funds have been released. Naturally, we asked them for plenty of references before handing over our bank account number and sort code, and we are pleased to say that the funds will soon be available.”

Locals are delighted at the financial boost the town will soon be receiving. Indeed, after the riots that occured when it was revealed the council had lost its savings in the Icelandic banks, locals rioted, tearing down the statue of Kerry Katona that the council had established outside the local branch of Woolworths.

Father of eight Maudlin Hoedown said that he was hoping council tax would come down, saying “we could all do with a break, and this African King fella is just what we need. They’ve got my backing all the way.”

“Children should be doing plays about Lord Jesus,” said Reverend Barchester von Trappe. “Not glorifying the life and times of a pop group. My own grandson is playing music mogul and wacky Granada presenter, Tony Wilson, which I believe is a major role in the play. I’d rather he were playing the third sheep in the nativity, if I were to be honest with you. This is sick, just sick. And yes, I do see the parallels between Curtis and Jesus, and I’m uncomfortable with that, despite the spectacular lighting display.”

Jack Gibbons, who plays Ian Curtis in “Joy Division: The Play” said that the whole experience has been an eye-opener: “I didn’t know that they were named after the prostitution wing of a Nazi concentration camp!” explained the goggle-eyed 10-year-old. “So reading about that in class was brilliant. The only bit I don’t like is having to hang myself at the end of the play.”

Aaalixxxsha-Tiger, who plays Peter Hook in the play, says that her parents were “apprehensive” at first, but as soon as they heard the school orchestra’s rendition of “Warsaw”, they were fully on board:

“Some people say it’s a little depressing,” she admitted, “but when you hear the violins, flutes and recorders in Warsaw, you realise it’s better than any nativity play ever! You know, we might only be 10 and 11, but it takes a lot of acting skill to display the friction between a band and its record label.”

Teacher Tony Sweattocks said that “Joy Division: The Play” was a labour of love, adding that the Sex Pistols scenes were “some of the hardest to choreograph”:

“That gig at the Manchester Lesser Free Trade Hall is key to the whole play, but getting children to perform Sex Pistols songs is something that you really do have to square with parents first – as I have discovered. There were several injuries, and I almost lost my job, but it was worth it.”

“We got Howard in because we were told he had repaired the Finance Director’s bathroom,” said a spokesman for BP yesterday. “In fact, he did rather a good job, fixing a dodgy tap and replacing some of the piping. We’re told that he even did the job in under a month, which is exemplary in the world of plumbing. However, when Howard had a look at our leak in the Gulf of Mexico, we were shocked by the estimate we received.”

Tool told BP officials that it would “cost them”, before listing a number of reasons why he could not start work until the start of July at the earliest. The BP spokesman continued: “We do understand that Howard needs his two-week holiday in Majorca, but the other two weeks just sounds like procrastination to me. While I’m sure Mrs Crocker at number 31 needs her kitchen re-fitted, we do not understand why Howard could not get the manpower to come and help out here.”

“Equally, a further two-week wait for parts is just unacceptable.”

Tool merely shrugged off the accusations, saying “basically, they’ve got a blown pipe and that’s going to take me a couple of weeks to get the parts, and my business partner Wayne is off sick at the moment with a bad back. You’ve also got to factor in the fact that it’s under water, and we don’t normally do that, so that’s going to cost them extra. Also, it looks like they’ve got a load of old golf balls down there, and I’m going to have to get some guys in to clean that up because it’s a bloody mess.”

Hauling up his jeans, he continued “So, when you consider the ins and outs of it, an estimate of £1,181 is actually pretty good, although we don’t accept liability if we mess it up. That’s in the contract.”

BP officials have attempted to negotiate with Tool, who insists on a number of contractual obligations. The oil giant attempted to persuade Tool to reduce his tea intake from 5 cups a day to just 2, and have insisted on a maximum of 3 breaks per day. Tool has also refused to undertake any work unless he is allowed to listen to Radio 1.

“We deeply regret our error of judgement”, said father of two, Hugh. “We realise that the middle classes, of which we are an integral part, are deeply disgusted at us having ditched Waitrose for our weekly shop, and promise not to repeat this grave, grave mistake.”

“In fact, in order to demonstrate just how sorry we are, we have pledged to compensate for our Aldi nightmare by taking Jemima and Charles to Fortnum & Mason’s for tea.”

However, neighbours have reported several Aldi incidents over the last few months, including a sighting of wife Margaret coming out of a nearby Lidl with what appeared to be cleaning products. Indeed, 11-year-old son Charles was caught by Middle Class Police looking in the window of Poundland.

“They’re bringing us into disrepute,” said Head of the British Middle Classes, Trevor Classemoyen, in a stinging rebuke in this month’s “Middle England” magazine. “Having foregone Waitrose and organic vegetables, they’re now buying 99p bargain boxes of Kitkats and browsing through the bargain patridges on offer at Aldi. I fully expect them to be downgraded to Working Class within the next few weeks so that we no longer have to worry about their disgusting behaviour.”

However, the Rutherford-Hithes have insisted that on their foray through Aldi, they came across several other middle class families, part-acknowledging and part-hiding their faces from their compatriots.

“I saw the Blakeney-Watts and the Voleshit-Adamses in there the other week,” said Hugh, “and while we struggled to contain our collective embarassment at poking around the 9p tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti, I must admit a coming together, a feeling of brotherly kinship towards them, knowing that we were alone in representing the Middle Class in Aldi.”

“Now I hear that they’re denying everything, and I feel hurt. They even have alibis saying they were in the farm shop at that very moment in time, but I don’t believe a word of it.”

“It’s disgusting,” said Wyvern regular Derek “Deggsy” Doveshit. “I was at the bar five minutes before closing time, and didn’t even get a chance to order a drink. I was going to have my eighth pint of Fosters, but I was denied by the barman who was clearly inept, and could not deal with the number of people at the bar. Whoever is in charge of this bloody country should really look into this.”

“My wife was in tears,” he continued. “She’d been looking forward to her last drink, and was turned away. However, I heard that down the road in the next constituency, they were having a lock-in so that all of those who missed out on the last orders call were able to get their drink in. Why did this not happen at the Wyvern? I want answers.”

The day’s drinking had appeared to go to plan, with a dribble of regulars in the afternoon followed by the traditional intake of office workers after 5pm. Pub landlord Micky “Hotpants” Haversack said that “it was just another day, really – or at least, much like any other day.” He went on to say that “as the evening wore on, we had an idea that maybe, just maybe it was going to be tough to get everyone’s drinks in.”

“As last orders approached, there seemed to be more and more people trying to get a drink. Well, it’s not as if they have a legal right to it or anything, but we do our best to help.”

Witnesses claim that the queues at the bar were “unprecedented”, and that only the incompetency of the local barstaff could be behind their being prevented a final drink. One thirsty local noted that the barstaff “didn’t even have enough pint glasses” at one stage:

“I couldn’t believe it,” said a stunned Mary O’Wimbledon. “I mean, in this day and age – with all the modern technology they’ve got – you’d have thought that they could have some pint glasses left over for us, but they were only doing halves by 10:45. I don’t care who’s running the country, they should be looking into this as a matter of absolute priority. Dozens of us have been denied a drink, and it could all have been avoided.”

“We only met a few days ago,” he moaned, “and I thought that we really had something going. Something special. I even took her to meet my parents, Dave and William. But then I found out that she has been texting this scruffy little oik from the north, and that she went out with him, like, years ago. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. So I gave her an ultimatum – it’s me or the oik.”

Middleground and Whippet allegedly “go back years”, and friends claim that they are still close. Middleground denied any romantic liaison with her ex, saying, “hey, I’m a liberal woman, which means I can be liberal and see who I want, right? There’s nothing between myself and Arthur, we’re just meeting up for a drink, yeah? So I poked him on Facebook the other day and I’ve been following his tweets, but that’s nothing, yeah?”

“We’re old friends from our school days, and yes, he is a bit creepy, but that’s nothing to do with Quentin! He should just chill.”

Carruthers-Quietly, however, is worried that the socialist oik from down the road has been trying to woo Middleground with promises of “unbridled shagging”, something that “only those scummy socialist types do”, adding: “Oh, so this is meant to be all innocent, is it? So why is it that when Shirley came round to mine last night, that Whippet lad was stood outside my window with a box of chocolates? I’ve already offered her a box of Milk Tray and that really has to be my final offer.”

“I’ve made loads of compromises for Shirley, you know. I don’t think she appreciates that. I’ve offered to stop shooting gays and blacks with my air rifle – although I’ve told her that I can’t stop papa from doing it. I’ve even offered to start recycling, although I think I’ll have to take lessons. So frankly, to know that she’s off with that northern oik, well it hurts.”

Sources close to Arthur say that he is “looking for more than just talks” with his ex-girlfriend, and that he’s willing to give up all his bad habits, such as farting in bed and picking his nose in public. Close friend Derek said “he just wants to get into bed with Shirley”, adding that “frankly, anyone will do for Arthur and I’m quite sure he’s already hooked up with a Scottish and a Welsh bird as well as some tree-hugger from Brighton.”

“It’s a disgrace,” claims Hawkwind. “They came knocking on my door in the summer and I’d just won some money on the gee-gees. But times are hard, you know. So when this bald, tanned fella comes knocking, I told him – look – I might have come into a few pounds, but it’s all going on the bills and the kids’ birthdays. So he kept pouring the ouzo, and one thing led to another – before I knew it, he’d stayed for dinner and I’d lent him a fiver.”

“In real terms, that visit probably cost me a tenner, as we gave him lamb shanks and a bottle of plonk, but I can’t really claim that back.”

Several other Shytte residents claim to have been approached by Greece, with several claiming that they were “seduced” into giving the country significant amounts of money. Betty Crocamerde, a retired spinster, claims that she gave Greece £2.50, while several of her neighbours were persuaded to part with their copper coin collections.

“To be honest,” she said, “I didn’t expect to get it back, but at the very least a phone call would be nice. They’re very persuasive. He put his foot in the door, offered me some ouzo and pinched my bottom!”

Greece’s economy is saddled with debts, and it is believed that the country made the door-to-door borrowing session after Romania called in its £15 loan, made several years ago. Romanian Chancellor Nicolaeu Doshescu said that “the Greek government must repay its loans, damnit. Not only does it owe the Romanian people £15, but they owe Cyprus a tenner, and an old man in Macedonia £20. It all adds up, you know, and we want our money back.”

Hawkwind, however, is adamant that the Greek government must pay back his money first: “Yes, I know there was no written agreement, and I know that we didn’t agree a timescale – but this is a gentleman’s agreement above all. I want my fiver back!”

“I stand by what I said,” insisted Pipedream, struggling to overcome the pain of his beating. “I have absolutely no opinion whatsoever on Heather Mills, and I don’t see why I should have one. I don’t care about her, and therefore, I cannot be definitive as to whether she is or is not the spawn of Satan. I also cannot comment on whether she eats small children for breakfast, and I cannot tell you whether her wooden leg is ethically sourced or not. I have other things to think about – but those other things got me into trouble last night.”

The conversation started around 8pm, and local publican Tony Underwater said that Pipedream’s ambiguity was always going to get him into trouble: “He came in here last month insisting that he didn’t care what Carol Vorderman says. I tell you what, you could cut the air with a knife – it was like one of them westerns where the bad guy walks into the saloon. Personally, I dropped the pint glass I was holding, I was so shocked.”

“There he is, all blase and ambiguous, not giving a toss, if you like. And last night, well – all he had to do was play along.”

The trouble started when pub regular and self-confessed hooligan Wayne Bannerman kicked off a conversation about the pure evil that is Heather Mills. Launching into one of his invectives, Bannerman outlined the reasons for the burning of Heather Mills at the stake, from her terrible abuse of the annoying millionnaire Paul McCartney to the way she abused a profiteering nanny with words that should be reserved for after the watershed.

“She’s a bitch, simple as that,” insisted Bannerman afterwards. “Carlos just sat there, sipping from his pint, and when it came to his turn to slag the bitch off, he wouldn’t. He just sat there saying ‘I don’t know who she is, so I can’t comment’. Well I just laughed and said – hey, mate, calm down, cut the crap and just be a reactionary loon for once in your life. Just participate in the ritual slagging off of this spawn of Satan, and he said, and I’ll quote you this verbatim, right – ‘I cannot say for certain that she is the spawn of Satan’. Well – that just got my blood boiling.”

“So I turned over the table and invited him outside. He wouldn’t go outside, as he said it was cold, so I clobbered him there and then. Everyone joined in, because we all know that Mills was spawned by Beelzebub and she deserves to be shot at dawn. Anyone who disagrees is just plain wrong.”

Satan himself weighed into the dispute, saying that he “could not be sure either” that Mills was of his own spawn, saying “you know what, I’m a busy man. I get around, what can I say? Maybe she is, maybe she ain’t. What I can say is that I watched the fight at the Wyvern last night, and I enjoyed it very much.”

Pipedream, however, convalesces at his home in Shytte-on-Sea, and insists on his ambiguity. “I still don’t care about her, and nor do I care about those stupid drugs like Methodrone, X-Factor or Dancing on Ice. And if I get beaten up over it, well I still don’t care.”

“It’s a beauty,” beamed father of three Dan Craptonne. “We couldn’t believe our luck when we heard that it was up for sale. I remember seeing it for the first time when we almost lost our Ford Fiesta in it, and I thought – hey, this would be perfect for a family home.”

The family admits that traffic may be a problem, but said that once they’d negotiated the estate agents down from their initial asking price of £330,000, the traffic no longer seemed like such a big problem. Wife Mary said that she was looking forward to decorating:

“Laura Ashley have got some lovely pothole furniture these days,” she mused. “Yes, the open roof may be a problem, but we can easily put a throw over it, and I suppose if you want the positives, there’ll be plenty of natural light. I’m looking forward to putting some nice wallpaper up, and once we’ve saved up a bit more money, we can maybe extend it. You know, add a conservatory or something. The kids already love it.”

Estate Agent Daz Onfuarray said that there has been “massive interest” in potholes since his estate agents, Bastard & Twattes, came up with the idea of selling them off to local families unable to afford sky-high house prices:

“Yeah, there’s like, loads of potholes, and some of them are bigger than footballer’s wives cupboards. So me an’ Davo, we just thought – hey, there’s a few bob to be made here, we bought ‘em off the council and families are just snappin’ ‘em up. There’s one family down the road who’ve converted their pothole into a spacious cave, they’ve got stunning views all round, and they’ve diverted traffic by putting a beautiful little traffic cone in front of it.”

“We’ve also got one more stunning pothole development – it’s cosy, with wonderful views of the sky, great access to the shops and local amenities – just perfect for a family starting out or a first-time buyer. In a year’s time, I reckon that the buy-to-let pothole market will be massive.”