Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Shytte local council has announced a “multi-million” dollar deal with the widow of deceased Nigerian millionnaire King Moses Odiaka. The deal, which came as a surprise to both the council and the widow, will see Shytte Town Hall receive approximately $53m over the next three years.
Children from Our Lady’s Shytte-on-Sea Primary School will be putting on a special school play to commemorate the music of popular early 1980s indie band, Joy Division. The play, which culminates in the suicide and ultimate veneration of Ian Curtis, has been slammed by local religious groups as “probably quite a bad thing, ethically speaking”.
Howard Tool is not a plumber to hold his punches, and having been called in by BP to give a quote on fixing their leak in the Gulf of Mexico, he merely blew out a gush of air from his mouth, tutted and expressed his dismay at the situation. Plunging his hands in his overall pockets and shaking his head, Tool insisted that this was “a tough one” and that he would need time for parts and labour.
A middle class family has been forced to apologise to neighbours and fellow middle class families around the country for shopping in Aldi at the weekend. The Rutherford-Hythe family were spotted coming out of the budget supermarket with a cut-price lobster and a £3 bottle of Prosecco, as well as a number of vegetable items.
A cross-party inquiry has been demanded, to look into the Wyvern pub scandal which saw dozens of locals left without a drink after last orders were called. A line of thirsty boozers were left furious that they could not get their drink in before the pub shut.
A love triangle has captured the imagination of locals in the Norfolk village of Shytte. Local toff Quentin Carruthers-Quietly has voiced concerns over his new liberal girlfriend, Shirley Middleground, claiming that she appears to be ’seeing’ her scruffy, working-class ex-boyfriend, Arthur Whippet.
Shytte resident Barry Hawkwind is at the centre of a diplomatic storm, claiming that Greece still owes him £5 from last summer. The metal-grinding father of three claims that Greece approached him for the loan in July of last year, and has made “no effort whatsoever” to return the money.
A local man is today recovering after being beaten up over his alleged ambiguity over Heather Mills. A heated conversation at the Wyvern pub in Shytte-on-Sea turned ugly as painter and decorator Carlos Pipedream refused to rule out the possibility that she was not the spawn of Satan.
A local family has spoken of its delight at moving into the famous Vuedemerde Road pothole in Shytte-on-Sea. The pothole was on the market for just two weeks, and was snapped up for a record £225,000.
Cross-channel relations are at an all-time low as Shytte-on-Sea mayor Winston Cumbersome tore up the twin town agreement between his town and the French village of Coquine-sur-Yvette. The discovery that Coquine had twinned itself with at least five other towns left Cumbersome in despair, with “no alternative” but to find a more “loyal” twin town for Shytte-on-Sea.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
