Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
God today launched a glitzy marketing campaign to rebrand the humble, yet unpopular Brussel Sprout as the “Fun Sprout”. The campaign, managed by advertising agency Saatchi and Saatchi, will involve a number of miracles and visions taking place in holy locations, as well as some more straightforward magazine and TV advertising.
French pride has been restored as a survey revealed that the French are better binge drinkers than the English. The survey, which follows hot on the heels of a previous survey which revealed the English as spending more time in the kitchen, shows that the French not only binge drink more, but they are higher quality binge drinkers.
Teachers are claiming victory thanks to Jamie Oliver’s new school meals, which have improved adjective usage among children. Since introducing the healthy meals at schools, not only are children getting off their over-sized arses, they are using 45% more adjectives, and 21% more adverbs.
The village of Bisous-sur-Fesses in Normandy is today in shock after three people were killed and five more injured at the unveiling of a new cheese. The cheese, Chaussettes de Fesses, has officially been labelled the smelliest cheese in the world by the Institute de Fromages qui Puent, and has been quarantined until further notice.
An influential Vegetarian think tank has called for bacon to be reclassified as a vegetable. The Vegetarian Action Group Influencing New Action (VAGINA), have called upon the government to act quickly.
Supermarket giant Tesco has recalled a batch of ready meals after it was revealed that they may have higher quantities of “healthy ingredients” than at first feared. The Eat YourSelf Stupid range of Lard Butties and Cholesterol Lasagna were found to have significant traces of vitamin B, as well as abnormally high traces of lettuce.
Bernard Matthews spoke out last night after claims were made that the turkeys’ vote for Christmas was rigged. “It was all done in an open and honest manner”, insisted Matthews.
Gordon Brown has admitted to taking the Scottish drink Buckfast when he was a teenager, but underlined “I most definitely did not swallow.” The Prime Minister came under intense interrogation during PM’s Questions over his dalliance with the beverage that has been linked with wife-beating, paedophilia, arson and genocide.
The dish: cold. The service: rude. The place: the Cafe des Connards, on the famed rue des Merdes in Paris, which claims to be the restaurant with the rudest waiters on earth, and le garcon has just told me to shit myself a new head.
As the dust settles on the Irish Robinson affair, the Northern Irish restaurant industry is warning of dire times ahead. As restaurateurs come out of the woodwork proclaiming that Robinson was funding their enterprises, a stem in the flow of that money could prove lethal.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
