Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Is it just me, or do vets not know their arses from their elbows these days? There I was, right, sat on the vet’s examination table – not a happy pussy, I tell you – and he’s banging on about how I’ve got furballs and wotnot. Furballs? Does NOBODY understand me? I’m bulemic, for the love of God. I eat, I puke, I stay slim. How else do you think I’ve got myself into this fine, slimline state? Furballs, indeed.
Nigeria’s seventh annual “Scammies” awards took place last night in Lagos, with the great and the good taking part in a lavish spectacle which rewarded Nigeria’s best scammers for their hard work and innovation. Host Billy Crystal told a rapturous audience that “hosting the Scammies is a dream come true – I’ve only paid £5,000 for the privilege….. so far!”
As one of the world’s pre-eminent gorillas, I know a thing or two about tag. I remember running around the cage as a youngster, like a mad chimp playing tag with the other chimps, completely unaware of the centuries of tradition that have preceded our innocent game.
Hey, I’m a bear, right. I’m covered in hair, I’m a little aggressive, and I like eating honey. Especially from Land Rovers when the windows are down – or not, depending on my mood. I’m also a bit up and down – one minute I’m crazily happy, the next I’m retreating back to my cave feeling like the world’s going to cave in on me at any minute. But I tell you what really gets my goat – really winds me up, man. It’s people who think that because I’m bipolar, I’m actually a polar bear.
Fox-hunting toffs have considered hanging up their horns and “packing it all in” after a raft of Daily Mail readers signed up for fox hunts. The mouth-frothing loons have allegedly “soured the atmosphere”, and left many toffs feeling that it’s no longer any fun.
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Bosses at Halifax have been urged to keep Halifax Radio on the air by hundreds of dedicated fans. Devotees of the fake radio station have flooded the high street bank with pleas to make the “fun banking radio station” a permanent fixture.
I don’t know about you, but Channel 4’s Iron Flower Arranger is just a tough guy’s version of BBC’s Master Flower Arranger. We all thought that flower arranging “couldn’t get tougher than this”, but we were proved wrong
Officer manager Neil Sutcliffe ended every day acknowledging a polite ‘hello’ from his office cleaner of three years. Today, however, he will not be making contact, nor any friendly gestures towards the cleaner after discovering that he was not alone in receiving the friendly interaction.
Children have admitted that they were “fooled” by a work of modern art. Hundreds of youngsters have said that they “could never believe” in a million, gazillion years, that the work of art was produced by an adult.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
