Parents have leading school rebuilt in back garden
A local council has approved plans from a couple looking to rebuild a leading primary school in their back garden. Harold and Pandora Smythe-Montesquieu, from Surrey, who have recently had their first child, were encouraged to act after struggling unsuccessfully to move into the catchment area for the county’s top primary school.
Rio Ferdinand pleases injury fans by aiming for minimum fitness
Rio Ferdinand has announced that he plans to return to injury within six weeks. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, the Manchester United defender said that he had "no intention" of staying away from the sidelines for any longer than is necessary.
Florida pastor upsets Brits by burning OK! magazine in warm-up for Koran burning session
Reviled Florida pastor Terry Jones has upset legions of unemployed Brits by burning OK! magazine as preparation for his burning of the Koran. The pastor, who claims that he only discovered fire two weeks ago, has been "warming up" for his incendiary celebration of mong-dom by burning a variety of lesser publications.
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
William Hague today admitted that his stay at the local YMCA lodge in Harrogate was "ill-judged, unwise, and rather silly". The Foreign Secretary, who is most definitely not gay, told reporters that he regretted booking a bunk bed in a room with six other men.
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
A man who mistakenly watched the entirity of BBC Breakfast has been admitted to hospital in what surgeons are calling a "distressing and critical" state. The man, who woke up at 6am to watch the breakfast show, is being treated for severe depression and a desire to jump off the top of a building.
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Holiday firm Bazzo's Holidays 4 U (bazzoshols4u.biz) has collapsed, leaving holidaymakers stranded abroad. The firm, run by local man Barry "Bazzo" Barnstaple, went into administration last night owing tens of pence.
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Mick Jagger and Bill Wyman have insisted that they were "delighted" at being gifted supermodel Naomi Campbell. The supermodel was allegedly a present from tyrant and all-round bad guy Charles Taylor, who is facing trial for war crimes.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Dear Readers, A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.
Comment: It’s not furballs, I’m bulemic!
Is it just me, or do vets not know their arses from their elbows these days? There I was, right, sat on the vet's examination table - not a happy pussy, I tell you - and he's banging on about how I've got furballs and wotnot. Furballs? Does NOBODY understand me? I'm bulemic, for the...
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
Nigeria's seventh annual "Scammies" awards took place last night in Lagos, with the great and the good taking part in a lavish spectacle which rewarded Nigeria's best scammers for their hard work and innovation. Host Billy Crystal told a rapturous audience that "hosting the Scammies is a dream come true - I've only paid £5,000...
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
William Hague further endangered relations with India today by appointing himself Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal, First Marquess Hague of Madras and Imbiber of Kingfisher, much to the ire of the locals. Hague, who remains unaware of the loss of the Empire, said that he would be "touring the colonies" to...
An apology to a Man Whose Name is an Anagram of Go Wank