Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
A local council has approved plans from a couple looking to rebuild a leading primary school in their back garden. Harold and Pandora Smythe-Montesquieu, from Surrey, who have recently had their first child, were encouraged to act after struggling unsuccessfully to move into the catchment area for the county’s top primary school.
Rio Ferdinand has announced that he plans to return to injury within six weeks. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, the Manchester United defender said that he had “no intention” of staying away from the sidelines for any longer than is necessary.
Reviled Florida pastor Terry Jones has upset legions of unemployed Brits by burning OK! magazine as preparation for his burning of the Koran. The pastor, who claims that he only discovered fire two weeks ago, has been “warming up” for his incendiary celebration of mong-dom by burning a variety of lesser publications.
The Daily Shame would like to apologise to The Man Whose Name is an Anagram of Go Wank, his fans and the general public for publishing a spoof article about The Man Whose Name is an Anagram of Go Wank, and his association with a spoof fashion range. The Man Whose Name is an Anagram of Go Wank did not endorse this spoof product, nor did he agree to have his name associated with it, and we would like to offer our apologies to The Man Whose Name is an Anagram of Go Wank, his fans, and the general public for the serious offence we have caused.
William Hague today admitted that his stay at the local YMCA lodge in Harrogate was “ill-judged, unwise, and rather silly”. The Foreign Secretary, who is most definitely not gay, told reporters that he regretted booking a bunk bed in a room with six other men.
A man who mistakenly watched the entirity of BBC Breakfast has been admitted to hospital in what surgeons are calling a “distressing and critical” state. The man, who woke up at 6am to watch the breakfast show, is being treated for severe depression and a desire to jump off the top of a building.
Holiday firm Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U (bazzoshols4u.biz) has collapsed, leaving holidaymakers stranded abroad. The firm, run by local man Barry “Bazzo” Barnstaple, went into administration last night owing tens of pence.
Mick Jagger and Bill Wyman have insisted that they were “delighted” at being gifted supermodel Naomi Campbell. The supermodel was allegedly a present from tyrant and all-round bad guy Charles Taylor, who is facing trial for war crimes.
Dear Readers, A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.
Is it just me, or do vets not know their arses from their elbows these days? There I was, right, sat on the vet’s examination table – not a happy pussy, I tell you – and he’s banging on about how I’ve got furballs and wotnot. Furballs? Does NOBODY understand me? I’m bulemic, for the love of God. I eat, I puke, I stay slim. How else do you think I’ve got myself into this fine, slimline state? Furballs, indeed.
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
