Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
The Daily Star has published scientific research that allegedly proves Muslims are to blame for the rain, as well as all forms of bad weather. Editor Barry Petard claims that the research is definitive proof, as if it were needed, that Britain needed to be ethnically cleansed in order to enjoy a good summer.
Terrorism experts have described Al Qaeda’s latest recruitment video as “appalling, yet tempting”. The video, which is basically Justin Bieber’s latest pop song, is said to be the “most compelling and convincing argument yet for joining jihad”.
For a brief moment last night, Libyan internet access was restored. It was, people hoped, the beginning of the end, but cables released via Wikileaks this morning indicate that it was a temporary hiatus. Libyan telecoms officals were ordered to restore access for 5 minutes while Colonel Muammar Gadaffi checked Mercenary Comparison websites.
A BBC Trust report has claimed that the BBC Asian Network radio station is not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners. The “State of Radio” report claims that the network is failing to provide for housewives over the age of 40.
Senior US officials have urged the Wikileaks website not to publish the plot to Cats and Dogs3: Feline Good. Julian Assange, owner of the whiste-blowing website, has promised a “rip-roaring set of revelations” about the third instalment of the popular movie franchise.
The UK economy is losing £5bn a year due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”, according to a report published today. The report claims that the “unnecessary pauses” are destroying productivity and putting us behind our European counterparts.
The “closed” signs were put up at Charles de Gaulle airport this afternoon after the entire nation simultaneously went on strike at watered-down austerity plans that required them to work an extra five minutes, provisionally scheduled for February 2012.
The Nobel prize committee has announced that, as from next year, it will announce a Nobel Bastard prize, in an attempt to appease China. The Chinese government was particularly annoyed at Liu Xiaobo’s Nobel Peace prize, and is thought to be “looking forward” to next year’s awards, where it hopes to win the first Nobel Bastard.
It was meant to be an innocent party trick, a chance for Shytte-on-Sea resident Alabaster Woebetide-Smith to show off his talent for reading books backwards. However, after just two pages of Tony Blair’s autobiography, “A Journey,” Woebetide-Smith noticed the room starting to warm up. Within seconds, the Dark Lord was stood in front of him, demanding an explanation as to why he had been summoned.
Voice of Vorderman: I’m disgusted by the way that delightful young X-Factor star Gamu Nhengu is being treated. The government has to step in and sort this situation out – there’s a clear dividing line between benefit-scrounging immigrants who can sing, and benefit-scrounging immigrants who can’t sing, and this needs to be enshrined in law – quickly.
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
