Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Dear Readers, A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.
Is it just me, or do vets not know their arses from their elbows these days? There I was, right, sat on the vet’s examination table – not a happy pussy, I tell you – and he’s banging on about how I’ve got furballs and wotnot. Furballs? Does NOBODY understand me? I’m bulemic, for the love of God. I eat, I puke, I stay slim. How else do you think I’ve got myself into this fine, slimline state? Furballs, indeed.
Nigeria’s seventh annual “Scammies” awards took place last night in Lagos, with the great and the good taking part in a lavish spectacle which rewarded Nigeria’s best scammers for their hard work and innovation. Host Billy Crystal told a rapturous audience that “hosting the Scammies is a dream come true – I’ve only paid £5,000 for the privilege….. so far!”
William Hague further endangered relations with India today by appointing himself Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal, First Marquess Hague of Madras and Imbiber of Kingfisher, much to the ire of the locals. Hague, who remains unaware of the loss of the Empire, said that he would be “touring the colonies” to “quell the revolting natives”.
David Cameron has condemned the creator of a Facebook tribute page to Siobhan O’Dowd, the woman who set up a tribute page for Raoul Moat. The rectangular-headed Prime Minister called for Facebook themselves to shut down the tribute page.
The Orange order marches will include a freestyle section from next year in an attempt to appeal more to Northern Ireland’s youth. The marches, which are a traditional part of the annual Catholic Taunting calendar, are seen by many as “a bit sombre” and “far too serious”.
As one of the world’s pre-eminent gorillas, I know a thing or two about tag. I remember running around the cage as a youngster, like a mad chimp playing tag with the other chimps, completely unaware of the centuries of tradition that have preceded our innocent game.
The government committee set up to investigate global warming has accused Polar Bears of “exaggerating” the melting of the ice caps. Rupert Murdoch, who kindly volunteered to head up the commission, said “there is startling evidence that polar bears have been putting on a bit of a show.”
A Tory MP was today accused of letting voters down after being found in what has been described as a “horrific state of sobriety”. Cuthbert von Rochester, MP for Thrush-on-Cheeks, told reporters that he was “absolutely 100% sorry” for his error.
Hey, I’m a bear, right. I’m covered in hair, I’m a little aggressive, and I like eating honey. Especially from Land Rovers when the windows are down – or not, depending on my mood. I’m also a bit up and down – one minute I’m crazily happy, the next I’m retreating back to my cave feeling like the world’s going to cave in on me at any minute. But I tell you what really gets my goat – really winds me up, man. It’s people who think that because I’m bipolar, I’m actually a polar bear.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
