Jeremy Hunt defends our tradition of colourful cigarette packets
Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Ill Health, has valiantly defended our Great British tradition of making colourful “artisan” cigarette packets. Why, don’t you know, this tradition goes back not just to the 1960s, but to the days of King Arthur and his Round Table when he would offer his hand-selected ganja in a colourful packet that he had designed himself with some crayons.
However, the KILLJOYS were out in force saying that “colourful packets make children buy cigarettes” and all that lefty crap and they even made plans to make ALL fag packets completely plain.
Jeremy Hunt, who is best friends with action group “Cigarettes for Children”, probably, was aghast at this lefty move to ban a Great British Tradition, but he didn’t want anyone to know about it, so he planned to make an excuse about “not having enough data to analyse it”.
How much fucking data do you need, Jeremy? Give us an hour and we can have a look if you want you lazy fuckmonger. Data’s easy to analyse. Get a nerd in. Pay them. It’s simple. Data’s fucking simple, Jeremy.
Jeremy also decided to sneak the news out just before MPs all fuck off on holiday for, God knows, 5 months or whatever it is. I don’t know. They’re always on holiday. Smoking.
Jeremy, you see, doesn’t like to take a risk with the tobacco industry. He does like to take a risk with the electorate, though, and young smokers. Even if Jeremy doesn’t have the data, he has to weigh up two options here:
1) Will this damage the tobacco industry?
2) Will this possibly reduce the number of smokers?
In fact, we don’t think Jeremy has even looked at the second option because as Secretary of State for Private Healthcare, Jeremy doesn’t give a fuck how healthy you are. He does, however, care how healthy the tobacco industry and their lovely lobbyist friends are.
Not that we’re suggesting that Jeremy Hunt has been influenced by lobbyists on this issue. We’re just metaphorically suggesting, however, that Jeremy Hunt has been potentially taken out for lunch and given the old sexy wink and a nod, and maybe, just maybe, metaphorically he has been handed a brown envelope stuffed with something, we don’t know what, maybe it was stuffed with cigarettes. Or money. Maybe money. We don’t know.
We’re only metaphorically musing on the possibilities here. You see, there’s David Cameron’s “special friend” Lynton Crosby, who has – shall we say – “links” with the tobacco industry. We’re just potentially musing on the thought that, potentially, we can’t say for definite, whether Mr Crosby has gone across to Mr Hunt’s abode and offered him a glass of Chardonnay, a rub-down, a cigarette and a brown envelope stuffed with something. We don’t know what. Maybe cigarettes. Or money.
We don’t know. We’re only metaphorically musing about possibilities.
Because if you put the tobacco industry first, then you are a (Jeremy) Cunt.