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The Daily Shame | October 7, 2015

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Dudley Tory Councillor enjoys gentlemen’s websites on slow council laptop

Dudley Tory Councillor enjoys gentlemen’s websites on slow council laptop

Ahhh you know that moment when work gives you a nice, shiny new laptop? For your work, that is. Not for ham-shanking all over the place. For work. You know that moment, don’t you. You take off the wrapping and you think “ahhh, they’ve spent £50 on a ten-year-old laptop FOR ME!”

You know that feeling, don’t you. That feeling that it’s going to take three hours to boot up Windows, so you pootle off and make a cup of tea, maybe go surfing on the iPad while you’re waiting, and by midday you’ll have that spreadsheet loaded up.

And by 3pm you might have got onto Powerpoint so you can BORE SOMEONE RIGID with flying circles that say “drive further efficiencies”. Ironically.

Maybe you shouldn’t switch it off – ever – what with it being a Dell laptop and therefore shite – you might as well leave it on.

So you leave it on at night, and if you’re Tory councillor Ray Burston, you have a quick monkey spank while surfing some ‘gentlemen’s interest websites’, you know, downloading some images and wotnot. Downloading images, Ray? You’ve downloaded nuddy images to a council laptop? Jesus, not only would it have taken TWO HOURS to download one of them, but you actually downloaded nuddy images to your work laptop? Are you as stupid as you look?

Perhaps he is, old Ray Burston, who is a former mayor and quite a religious man, and you know that religious men don’t do anything naughty do they:

“This access represents a breach of personal, political and religious beliefs that I hold dear and by which I have endeavoured to live my life. I have also breached a trust that has been placed in me by the people of Hayley Green and Cradley South ward who it is my privilege to represent.”

Yeah, you’re wrong in every way, Burston. Bashing the Bishop over a council laptop – a TAXPAYER FUNDED LAPTOP, at that – is pretty much a resigning issue. My GOD what would the Daily Mail say if they ever found out that our TAXPAYER MONEY is going towards Ray Burston’s five knuckle nocturnal shuffles? What would Quentin Letts say about Ray Burston’s taxpayer-funded wanking? Oh dear, Ray, you really should think about quitting. Or getting a quicker computer…

As the delightful Political Scrapbook point out, there may be another hopeful wankful councillor waiting in the wings, would that council laptops were a little quicker:

“Fortunately it would be impossible to access pornography on a Sandwell Council laptop because it would take three hours loading it and then mysteriously turn itself off like everything else.”

Do I detect a note of frustration, Councillor John Tipper? Don’t tell me that you’re all sat there over your taxpayer-funded laptops at night, frustratedly clutching your flaccid Tory dongles as you wait for your gentlemen’s interest websites to load?

Do all Tory laptops have a special folder on the desktop saying “VERY IMPORTANT WORK DO NOT LOOK”?

Proof, as if it were needed, that Tory councillors actually are wankers.

UPDATE 30/8/13: We apologise to Councillor John Tipper for accusing him of being a Tory councillor. He is not, and does in fact represent Labour. We can think of no greater insult than being called a Tory Councillor, and we offer our apologies.

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