Anyone called Katie Hopkins has to be a toxic talentless parasite, yes?
Today, we take a look at a sub species of Humankind, that while a thankfully small section of the overall genetic make up, are unfortunately rather prominent due to a strange and unexplainable devolutionary mutation that drives them towards the pursuit of an entirely species specific construct called ‘money’.
It is believed that this mutation may have been caused by the ingesting of large amounts of the subjects own urine and shit, along with a unique ability to ram two digits in their ears and scream loudly while the predominant form of human thought, reason and logic, are screamed at them by the what can only be described as the ‘more fucking sane ones‘. It is also thought that these mutations may be the source of the human phrases’ full of shit’, ‘shit sack’ ‘piss swiller’ and others.
We will, in particular, be focussing our attention on a particular anomaly among this devolved group, known in one of the human forms of communication as ‘Kay – Tee Hop – Kins’. This particular specimen, it is thought, has consumed a quantity of her own piss and shit (which she stores for sustenance in the belief that because it comes from her body it is clearly superior to any other form of matter in the universe), consisting of well over five hundred times her own body weight. Something that has often puzzled researchers is what happens to the ingested material, but it is speculated that it is barely processed in the body at all, simply passing through the system to be ejected as a stream of ‘words’ from the harpy’s mouth.
Recent events have led to even more bewilderment. Mere days ago, the Hop – Kins was spotted on a popular morning entertainment programme, well known for its lofty goals of attaining only the highest level of mediocrity. In this programme, the Hop – Kins claimed that she had mothered some form of offspring. This has baffled experts, as the Hop – Kins was previously thought to be devoid of any genitalia whatsoever.
This has in turn caused serious concern, as should this particular specimen have access to the young and impressionable minds of normal human children, the results will be devastating. Luckily, observers have stated that most responses from normal, healthy human children have been ‘Fuck off you bitter withered old hag.’
Furthermore, Kay Tee (or KT) went on to exclaim that she judges children based on their name. If they have what she perceives to be a ‘common’ name, such as Tyler, Charmaine, or the sort of name your Nan’s dog had (Katie), then they are deemed unfit to mix with her own ill fated young ones. While this may seem to be an utterly useless, bigoted remark that you might expect from a brainless talentless empty minded toxic shit gurgling fucking parasite, we must remember that the KT is unable to process the huge amount of excrement that she gleefully shoves down her throat by the hand/jug full, and this is in fact a perfectly natural, although admittedly large, discharge of said waste.
The more lenient of researchers on the subject have suggested that we cannot blame the KT, or her subspecies as a whole, for the fact they eject shit and piss orally with such velocity and frequency, that it is simply in their nature to do so. Instead, they look to blame those who made the mind numbingly idiotic decision to give them a platform on which to dribble. While this may be true, the more level headed observers have suggested that in order to prevent further tainting of the gene pool, these specimens, the KT in particular, be placed in a sealed observation pod and buried 20 miles underground for the remainder of their lifecycle. Down there, the KT specifically, may actually do human kind some good. The vast amount of methane produced from her gibbering vocal spasms have been speculated to generate enough energy to supply the entire landmass known as the ‘British Isles’ with electricity for the next 200 years.