“Tell us more about Princess Margaret’s eating habits” – said nobody
smackintheface | On 26, Apr 2013
Breaking news about Princess Margaret. I can’t get enough of it. Let’s have it then!
It’s not enough we have the living Royals spread across our newspapers every time they so much as fart in the wrong direction…or behave like humans doing things that other humans do, but in a nice dress or a nazi costume or in the nuddy, or something.
NOW we’re directed to pointless shit about something that matters even less! Yes even less than those other things! Surely not, I hear you cry!
So let’s find out what it is…
Okay…a file has been found that reveals a letter was sent to Sir Robert Scott, the governor of Mauritius, so he could ensure Princess Margaret had a jolly nice time when she went there.
Oh…I was looking for more than that, to be honest. However, this is news…apparently…and it doesn’t stop there. There’s more!
Yes…the file contains several other letters detailing her likes and dislikes, so hold on to your hats, because we are about to find out the lot. Someone pass me a Tena Lady, I think I’m about to blow!
Get this! She was able to watch cricket or football for a reasonable length of time!
Eh??…and? Oh…that’s it. Gutted.
The thing is…after the excitement of reading it all and having a lie down to recover…I’m supposed to be angry at her for describing simple tastes as a five-course meal at dinner. Um…okay.
I couldn’t give a fuck how much she ate at one sitting. They were probably making sure she ate enough! If we’re talking a posh establishment where portions are the size and consitency of a snot-flick, then yes…five courses would certainly ensure one was adequately fed.
Five courses are easier to get through than you might think. Not bragging or anything, but I can easily eat a bag of Quavers, a yoghurt, some dry-roasted peanuts and a fat knob……of chocolate after dinner.
Also, Sir Martin Gilliat, the Queen Mother’s private secretary, wrote these letters…not the Princess herself…so who knows whose wishes they actually were…and who cares! Seriously…who?
Is there really nothing more newsworthy about? I mean…stop watching Cameron and Clegg taking our welfare system apart piece-by-piece. That’s just news for the sake of it!
No…forget that boring shit…look over there, everybody, because Princess Margaret’s simple tastes were nothing short of banquetesque! <——- The spellchecker doesn’t like that, but I’m sorry, it’s happening.
Come on…this woman was the black sheep of the family as it was. She was reported on time and time again for less than flattering reasons. Do we really have to drag her name out again so we can slag her off even more for actually expecting far less than the Royals of today.
Austerity, my big fat ‘arris!
News reports are pouring in about how badly the UK’s economy is doing under recent governments and I can’t believe we’re still constantly blaming Margaret Thatcher and Gordon Brown for bringing down the country. They’re not in charge anymore!
In fact, I’ll let you into a little secret. Cameron and Clegg are in charge of our government…right now! No really, they are…and if they’re reading this…YES YOU ARE!
Yes…you heard it here first. David Cameron and Nick Clegg are in the ones responsible for what is happening NOW! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that, but…well…someone had to say it.
They’re doing an all right job, though, because we’re always being told about the ‘savings’ being made all over the place.
They’re bringing in very useful Consultants, who cost the tax-payer millions each year, to make governmental decisions and who probably spend most of their time advising everybody that, as long as the word ‘savings’ is used, nobody will realize it actually means ‘cuts’.
We’re all too thick to know what’s going on, you see, because they are the brainy ones with vocabulary like ‘savings’ and ‘complex transformations’. This sort of thing completely blinds us with science and keeps us ignorantly happy.
So…let’s all give them a big cheer for…oh…I dunno…being posh and wobbling their chins at us on TV while talking incompetent shit like…”Have a good think about our national policies when voting in the county council elections on 2 May”. Yup, because national policies can be dealt with at county council level, can’t they? Um…no, they can’t.
So…yes…after some digression, it’s very nice to read about Princess Margaret liking this, that and the other. Meanwhile, the existing Royals, politicians and anyone else who’s drawing a wage from our taxes are still here and raking in far more than she ever did.