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The Daily Shame | November 23, 2014

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Richard Benyon wants you to wrap your cheese, for Britain, for your children

Richard Benyon wants you to wrap your cheese, for Britain, for your children
Gareth

Apparently, Richard Benyon’s butler is throwing away something like £50 of food every month, which is JUST DISGUSTING. You see, Richard Benyon, who apparently got VOTED by people as an MP for Newbury, is FURIOUS that his butler, and other such plebs, have been throwing perfectly good food in the bin when really, they could have been eating it.

Richard Benyon wouldn’t have eaten it, no. But the butler could have done.

I mean, £50 a month in Richard Benyon’s fridge is probably a few slices of organic farmyard Cornish Yarg and a spoonfull of Beluga caviar. Who knows. I’m making GROSS ASSUMPTIONS about rich people which is not at all similar to the gross assumptions Richard Benyon, reportedly worth £110m, is making about everyone else.

You can imagine Benyon’s horror, as he pads around his massive kitchen for the first time in months, wondering what happened to his organic smoked salmon that he ordered two hours ago, and finding that, and the Yarg, in what the butler calls the “bin”.

“Chesterton!” he yells. “Chesterton, get right here, you oik. What the FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK are you throwing perfectly good food away for? Hm? Hm Chesterton? Come on, explain.”

“But sir, the salmon expired today and the Yarg was smelling slightly. I was only trying to protect you from harmful bacteria.”

“FUCKING FUCK CHESTERTON, this is AUSTERITY BRITAIN. Fish it out, man. You can eat it yourself. I’m not touching it.”

“I’d rather not, sir.”

“Come on, Chesterton. Fish it out. I’ll watch you eat it.”

Yes, poors, you’re throwing too much food away and multi-millionaire Richard Benyon is here to lecture you on how to behave in AUSTERITY BRITAIN, for you are feckless, lazy and you don’t even CARE about your food. Eat your leftovers! Fish that food out of the bin! WRAP YOUR CHEESE, BRITAIN! WRAP IT NOW!

He bangs on about it, no he really does:

“Keeping most fruit in the fridge in its packaging can keep it fresher for a week or more, but around 60 per cent of us take fruit out of the packaging, and more than 70 per cent of us do not store it in the fridge,” he said. “Re-closing packs of cheese and sliced meats helps to stop them drying out in the fridge, but 13 per cent of us apparently store such food unwrapped in the fridge.”

Wow, this man knows his fridges. Not sure about you, but if I had £110m, I wouldn’t be wrapping my own cheese. I’d have people for that kind of thing. You know, paid people, because if I had £110m I’d be a “wealth creator” so I’d be CREATING JOBS like fucking crazy. Cheese wrapper. Salmon smoker. Cured ham protector. There’s loads of people who want jobs out there. I’d be paying them.

Or, alternatively, Richard Benyon really cares about your cheese. Or just cheese in general. He didn’t get where he is today without an appreciation of how to lengthen the life of a good Cornish Yarg, did he. A man should know his cheese. A man should know how to protect his cheese.

Watch Richard wrap the cheese, people. Watch him. It’s not just in a tupperware box, it’s wrapped in clingfilm, too. Did you see that, poors? Did you see Richard wrapping his fucking cheese? Did you see his butler pop it into the fridge with due care and attention?

If not, why not. Because you were probably too busy filling your mouths with crisps, I guess. Crisps that have gone off because you left the packet open while you were in the pub. Probably.

Now fuck off and wrap your cheese. Benyon told you to do it.

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