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The Daily Shame | October 13, 2015

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Why does the Daily Mail love Lord Sugar so much?

Why does the Daily Mail love Lord Sugar so much?

Oh come on now, Daily Mail and Lord Sugar, will you GET A ROOM? It’s so patently obvious that you’re absolutely completely in love with each other, you might as well just admit it and start bonking properly instead of passing on love notes to each other all the time.

It’s like one of those “are-they-aren’t-they” things you get in soap operas. And it’s been going on for BLOODY AGES – how’s about this little barb at Sir Alan from back in 2008 about how he’s WRONG WRONG WRONG. You see, Sir Alan, as he was back then, was just always wrong, and he still is.

And just why would anyone want to work for Sir Alan, mused Rosemary Behan, because he’s bad-tempered, out-of-touch, and basically a complete and utter bastard, isn’t he. The Apprentice is basically an orgy and Sir Alan is the toga-dressed orgy-master, a desperate failure of a man who intimidates everyone and “he looks like a dinosaur” with a “chip on his shoulder”. He seems “determined to humiliate publicly all those with a university education” (a bit like the Mail).

Another little love letter comes when Sir Alan was hired by the Labour government. The loud-mouthed star, Tim Shipman called him, in an obvious attempt to woo him into a bit of bum-sex. “Come on, Sir Alan, you know you want it”, he practically screams. Yeah, he gives Labour loads of money, the bastard, why does he need a peerage? Tim asks, while masturbating over a picture of the business gnome, probably.

But then Sir Alan’s a married man, which really irks the Mail, who were so disappointed at Sir Alan refusing their sexual overtures for years that they had to write this one on behalf of everyone at the paper.

“And I nearly keeled over from shock. Not at being invited – as The Mail on Sunday’s official party correspondent, naturally I get invited to everything – but at the fact that the grizzly old growler was actually doing something vaguely “romantic” for his delightful, long-suffering wife.”

It’s at this point that we really feel sorry for the Daily Mail staff who clearly want some Sir Alan-love but keep getting spurned – and what’s more, he invites them to his wedding anniversary, just to rub it in their face. Seriously, Sugar, this is just evil.

By 2011, the Mail seems to have all but given up on getting some Alan-love, and Luke Johnson pours his heart out into this diatribe, calling The Apprentice “a loathsome show” which is “an insult to business”. Luke’s from Pizza Express, so he knows business, you see. He also hates the BBC, because the Apprentice is “transmitted by a broadcaster that hates business.”

So then, two years later, out comes hate preacher Richard Littlecock, who mysteriously still hasn’t been deported from this country for just being a complete cunt, whose stomach “still churns” at the sight of the now “Lord” Alan Sugar (his quotation marks, not mine). Richard’s got history, you see. Sir Alan turned him down years ago, saying “no, Richard, I’m not having bum sex with you” or something like that, I don’t know, I’m speculating, because Richard does go on about gays a lot.

Richard’s not a happy boy at all, it seems. He bangs on for ages about how he really really doesn’t like Alan, just as his colleagues have been doing all week. They even wheeled out Richard’s fellow hate preacher Jan Moir to have a crack. She can’t wait to see the back of Alan Sugar. Probably for a chance to ogle his bum, eh? Jan Moir really loves his bum. So much so that when Sir Alan said “no, you’re not having any of it”, she penned this hate piece about reality TV and how Sir Al is a bit of a bastard. The irony of the phrase “turns idiots into cannon fodder” is clearly lost on Jan.

We’re surprised, because Lord Sugar isn’t black, brown, immigrant, scrounger or benefits thief. Where could this hatred stem from? Is it really spurned advances? Or is it something to do with that libel case back in 2001?

My, my. Mr Dacre has a long memory, hasn’t he?

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