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The Daily Shame | October 13, 2015

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Get the kettle on, Dark Ages…we’re on our way back!

Get the kettle on, Dark Ages…we’re on our way back!

| On 06, Mar 2013

Negative interest base rates?   What does the sum to calculate that even look like and who on Earth is going to be responsible for working it out?

I know…it’s probably that bloke who can equate £100,000 with £50,000, by factoring in the cost of implementing a system that will balance the two figures out and make everything fair.

God…I’m really getting good at explaining these things.  I should totally get a job bullshitting the general public on TV, but I won’t because that would leave the Tories with nothing to do…seeing as it’s the only thing they appear to be good at.

Yeah.  Mr Osborne could probably do this sum in his sleep with his head stuck up a bank’s arse.  Let’s face it…if anybody can do an upside-down sum that can fuck all our money up for good, it’s him!

Look at how shrewd he’s been lately. I mean…handing over billions of pounds to the banks was an absolutely bizarre thing to do, but he just went ahead and did it.  He just can’t stop joking around with our money!  What a laugh, eh?

The banks are already rewarding themselves for not doing a good job of looking after billions of pounds, so what does funny old Georgie boy do?  He gives them MORE!  What’s the best way to bin a load of money all in one go?  EXACTLY THAT!

So what can we do about it?  Nothing. The country is running out of cash, but we’re all still paying every penny we’re forced to into the mess the government is making of the UK’s finances…and it IS a mess.

We’re paying tax for our children’s education, but Michael Gove says he needs to privatize schools because we’re just not paying enough.  It’s all our fault.  We’re failing our kids and Mr Gove is going to have to sort it out for us.  Good old Gove, flapping his old lady lips at anyone who’ll listen, he really does care.

We’re paying taxes to our local councils so they can look after the places we live in and provide us with anything we need to live a satisfactory life with no worries.   They’re great, aren’t they?

I especially like the way they light our streets and offer free parking.  These things really do make our lives so much easier.  Good kind local councils…what would we do without you?

Even cemeteries are kept maintained to the very standard we’ve come to expect.  It’s so nice to know that, when our time comes, we can be laid to rest in our local cemetery and the local council will love and protect our bodies for ever and ever amen.  Bless them all.

Oh dear…did I just slip into a state of ignorance there?  Fuck it…I did, didn’t I?

Oh shit…I remember now.  Our local taxes are handed over to accountants to be poured into one huge pot and spent on whichever project looks the most impressive and fun to work on.


Who wants to spend money on boring things like ensuring our streets are adequately lit, our roads are maintained and our local business can thrive in the knowledge potential customers can park for free with no threat of fines if they outstay their welcome at the parking meters?  Bastard shoppers, they’re such a pain in the arse.

Cemeteries?  Oh yeah…just a silly thing, really.  So silly it’s hardly worth mentioning.


You see…cemeteries under the care of some local district councils are becoming overcrowded and are unable to accept further burials.  Actually, they’re mostly all full up…and I’m not going to mention Shepway District Council…I’m really not.

Now then…

How can we be living in a society where traditional burials are not an option unless you opt to be buried twenty odd miles away?  How can we really be expected to accept that if, say, an elderly widow wants to visit the grave of her dearly departed husband, she will either have to arrange expensive, but convenient, transport or suffer an inadequate bus service that could see her travelling for several hours before she even gets there?

Give us some bloody dignity!  In this day and age, we should have the right to choose how, when and where we’re buried and denying us of any of these choices is just typical of that council who I shall not name…again.

So that’s it!  Everybody will have to be cremated.  It’s convenient and the only option if you want to keep your loved one near to you after they’ve died, because new plots are not going to be prepared.  That’s how it is and the matter isn’t even going to be discussed…not with peasants anyway.

What are these people trying to achieve?   A re-enactment of the Dark Ages?   I’d certainly pay good money to see that!  Oh hang on…I already am.

Pretty soon, we’ll all be back to hiding our cash under the floorboards, because it actually earns far more interest there than in the bank.

We’ll also be wandering about in the dark with torches strapped to our foreheads because the local councils have plunged us into sudden darkness and we don’t want to fall over any of the growing number of potholes and beaten up pavements we’re constantly stubbing our toes on.

I know…let’s go all the way and start riding about on Penny Farthings and writing with feathers.  Sod modern times…we’re getting back to basics.  Here, Mr Council Man…have as much money as you want for doing as little as possible.  God, this is liberating!

We won’t bother going to the local shops because there won’t be any.  They’ll have all been driven out of business by the very councils who are supposed to be looking after them.  Business rates?  Don’t make me laugh.  It’s just easy money for the councillors to rake in and fawn over, while they eagerly lick each other’s arses.

Never mind…I’m really looking forward to having my entire garden dug over to accommodate the odd DIY funeral and trying my best not to tread on Auntie Beryl or Uncle Tony as I have a kick-around with the kids in the Summer.

And there was me thinking the Tories were digging their own graves.  Turns out it’s more likely to be us!

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