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The Daily Shame | September 16, 2014

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Cyclists pollute the environment with carbon dioxide, let’s tax them says Ed Orcutt

Cyclists pollute the environment with carbon dioxide, let’s tax them says Ed Orcutt
Gareth

Review Overview

Because science
10
Only in America
9
Staying true to Republican values
10
9.7

Like, duh, it's science

Cyclists produce carbon dioxide because they just do. Let's tax the bastards, eh!

Cyclists, they suck, don’t they. Why, only this morning, while I was driving the Daily Shame SUV at 90mph down country lanes, I had to slow down to 50 in order to get around a bloody cyclist who was ambling along in his high-visibility jacket, lycra and, probably, a great big bloody camera on his head so he can have arguments with people and sell the footage to TV companies.

That bastard thinks he owns the road, slow-pedalling his healthy, porridge-eating way to work where he’ll no doubt have a green tea and smile smugly about how he’s “saving the world” or something. I hope he choked on my horrifying exhaust fumes.

And that Boris Johnson, the politician so hilarious that you’re all going to vote for him, thinks that cycling is brilliant. Everyone should do it, he guffaws, and you all think “ha, he’s wrong but I love his hair” or something and you go along with it. Cyclists are a blight on our lives and they should all be taxed.

So let’s all go to Seattle, where they’re seriously talking up a tax on cyclists! Hurrah! The fuckers should be taxed until they bleed.

Now, your Daily Shame is struggling to find a good reason to tax cyclists. Pure hatred doesn’t seem to be a valid way of imposing a tax upon the smiley, smug bastards, although pure hatred does seem to be a “trendy” way of imposing tax at the moment, if you’re a Tory.

So how on earth can Seattle law-makers justify a tax on cyclists? Let’s turn to Republican “lawmaker” Ed Orcutt, who clearly has a WHOLE NEW WAY of thinking with what’s left of his brain:

“But, if am not mistaken, a cyclists has an increased heart rate and respiration. That means that the act of riding a bike results in greater emissions of carbon dioxide from the rider. Since CO2 is deemed to be a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclists are actually polluting when they ride.”

Tax them, because “science”. Science, and you know it. You all love science. It’s what makes you buy hair products, it’s what makes you agree there’s no God. It’s science. And Ed Orcutt knows ALL ABOUT SCIENCE. We only wish that we, here at the Daily Shame, were as up with the science thing as Ed.

And if you think about it, it’s not just cyclists that we should be taxing as well, it’s anyone who exercises outdoors. At least, in a gym, they can keep their CO2 emissions to themselves, maybe ingest it, I don’t know. But outdoors? Slap a tax on their fat arses. Joggers – the smug, be-tracksuited bastards, going round and round the park. How very dare they pollute the environment with their sweat and their carbon dioxide emissions!

And maybe we should be taxing sex, while we’re at it. After all, if done properly, it increases heart rate and perspiration, so shagging couples will no doubt be polluting the environment with just as much CO2 as a cyclist. But they don’t do it on the roads, and they don’t get in the way of our massive 4×4 SUVs that we don’t really need.

And that Bradley Wiggins, with his sideburns and his time trials and everything. Does he not know that he’s killing the environment every time he tries to “go fast” up a hill? Tax his mod arse, that’s what we say. Bloody cyclists.

Ed Orcutt’s onto you, because science, and you can’t deny it, you carbon dioxide-spewing bastards, because Ed knows science and you don’t. Now pay up and get off our roads.

Comments

  1. Mark Schaffer

    You can’t mock stupid Republicans because they don’t understand sarcasm and satire directed at themselves.

  2. Gareth

    oh but the ones who don’t understand are the best!

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