The Daily Shame apologises unreservedly to Kate Middleton, Prince William and the whole Royal Family
We here at the Daily Shame would like to apologise unreservedly to Kate Middleton, William and all of the Royal Family for accidentally revealing the cover of Chi magazine to ourselves after a brief three-minute journey on the internet. We are truly, horribly sorry that we saw the images of Kate in a bikini, and we have poked our eyes out as a consequence.
The incident happened yesterday, just after Eamonn Holmes had titillated the nation by letting us see a glimpse of the magazine cover, which is available across the whole of Europe.
That fat, disgusting pig Holmes. He was quite right to apologise, really, he was. By revealing just a split second image of that photograph of Kate Middleton in a bikini, he was offering INSULT to INJURY. Not only did he hurt poor Kate, whose inability to have a lifetime holidaying on beaches without photographers taking snaps of her must really leave her wondering “is it all worth it”, but he aroused the interest of the nation in seeing more of those bikini shots.
So, we went forth and we googled, and we found some bikini shots of Kate Middleton. And for this, we are truly sorry.
We are sorry, St. James’ Palace, that we initiated the google search in the first place. We are sorry that we searched for “Kate Middleton Chi Magazine Bikini Photographs” and we are very sorry that we hit the Enter button, because on doing so, we offended you.
We are sorry that we went straight to Google’s “images” tab and looked at some of the images, because in doing so, we have breached poor Kate’s privacy. We accept that it is every rich girl’s right to go on holiday every month at our expense, and that by exposing ourselves to those images, we are wrong, shamefully wrong.
Just like Eamonn Holmes, that balloon of a man who had the audacity to WAVE those pictures gleefully in front of our eyes, knowing that he has besmirched not just a young, slightly pregnant woman, but a WHOLE NATION OF KATE LOVERS who wanted ONLY to ogle 50 pictures a day of her in DRESSES, not bikinis, for it is dresses we love, not bikinis.
The only flesh of Kate we want to see is her ankle. But no, Eamonn Holmes, you multi-chinned shadow of your former self, you wanted us to see the whole kit and caboodle. IMAGINE HER BOOBS he shouted wordlessly. IMAGINE THEM.
In my day, they would have hanged Eamonn Holmes, and we’d have had a right old knees-up while they did so. They’d have quartered him and paraded the body through the city, but no – all he has to do now is “apologise unreservedly” and grovel in front of the Royal Family who are ALL FUMING that he had the audacity to show a split second of an image of some posh girl from Berkshire in a bikini on a beach.
The Daily Mail is right when they spit fury at the very IDEA that someone could show ANY PART of Kate’s body other than her legs, from the knee down. Yes, it’s fine to show long-angle shots of Myleene Klass or any other C-list celebrity – or underage children for that matter – whatever sells papers.
But when it comes to Kate – well, St. James’ Palace will come down on you like a tonne of bricks, so it’s best to be on their side isn’t it.
So we’re sorry. We’re sorry we looked. We’re sorry that Eamonn Holmes still has a job on TV. We’re so, awfully, horrible, really, dreadfully sorry. Will you leave us alone?