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The Daily Shame | August 27, 2015

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Save our bankers bonuses, say bankers’ friends

Save our bankers bonuses, say bankers’ friends

Review Overview

Greedy Bastards
Out of touch
Tax avoiders

Hang your heads in Shame

Snouts in the trough, and the swill's being provided by "Call me Dave" and "You'll vote for me whatever I say" Boris.

You can tell a lot about people from what they’d save if their house was burning down. For example, I have a good friend who swears blind that if his house were burning down, the first thing he’d save is that box full of blue movies. Myself, I’d probably root around for my car keys. I don’t know, I’ve never really given it much thought.

But that was my first response. It’s not a lot unlike today, when Europe, whose house is burning down and is actually nothing more than a burnt-out timber frame right now, declared that it’s going to put a cap on bankers’ bonuses.

Out of this particular burning house come David Cameron and Boris Johnson spluttering “we have to save bankers’ bonuses” like pigs suddenly disgusted that someone had taken the shit away. “If we don’t give them loads of money, they’ll all fuck off to Switzerland and America” blasted Boris, who could pretty much say anything you don’t agree with, you’re all still going to vote for the wanker. He could say “I think we should basically kill all babies” and you’d say “hahahaha, Boris is such a card, isn’t he, he gets my vote any day”. Because you’re stupid like that.

And old Cameron he was saying “no no no we’re going to have to stop this, because they are wealth creators and yadiyadiya” because when someone’s rich, they’re not called rich any more, they’re called a “wealth creator”. It’s a nice little bit of re-branding. You have lots of money, you are a “wealth creator”. You have none, like most people these days, and you’re a “shirking cunt”. We know because it’s written in the Tory Manifesto. If you want some money, then you’re either a “thieving bastard” or a “striver”.

So exactly how is a banker a “wealth creator” if they’re taking massive bonuses from failing banks. Sounds like “wealth thief”, if you ask me. And if they do fuck off to Zurich or New York or wherever, what difference would that really make? These businesses hardly pay any tax, anyway. It’s like Starbucks – if they pissed off tomorrow, nobody would care, they’d just go to a less offensive cafe instead. One that pays its taxes.

So if the bankers DO leave the EU, maybe then we can concentrate on building our economies on something a little less, well, bastardish. And by bastardish, we mean a nationalised bank who has (somehow) posted a £5bn loss and handed out £600m in bonuses to its staff. You know, that nationalised bank called RBS, the one who seems to be deliberately losing money so that it can be sold off for pennies later on. Yes, RBS, you know. The one that gave Fred Goodwin all its money so he could play at tarts and vicars every night. RBS.

Now, this EU thing will probably come a cropper anyway because banks are private businesses, and if you’re subjecting banks to these regulations, what about everyone else? And equally, banks being private businesses (usually), they can pretty much do what they like with the money they make. For example, avoiding tax. That’s legal. They do it.

Or paying bonuses. If they’ve made money, and they’ve created jobs and not made people redundant… if they’ve paid their taxes and they’ve contributed to the wealth of the country, then there should be no cap on bankers’ bonuses.

But they’re not doing any of the above (except making people redundant), so if they do all piss off to sunnier climes, we’d probably all be better off without them. Might free up a few jobs, and for those that stay, the promise is that if you do a good job, you can have a decent bonus. If you don’t, you can go to Zurich and New York with the rest of them.

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