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The Daily Shame | July 25, 2014

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Oscar Pistorius murders BIKINI MODEL, look at her now, says idiot comic, The Sun

Oscar Pistorius murders BIKINI MODEL, look at her now, says idiot comic, The Sun

I don’t know you but this whole Oscar Pistorius thing really gets me down. You know, man shoots girlfriend… girlfriend dead… it’s not a bed of roses, is it. What I need at this difficult time is a bit of levity. You know, alleviate the gloom.

It would be really great if we could just appreciate the deceased’s knockers. Just one last time. You know… if only we had a national newspaper that would treat the deceased and her family with JUST A LITTLE CONTEMPT and show us what she looked like in her skimpies. Poss?

Of course it is. Here’s your super soaraway Sun doing the usual “tasteless” thing with a picture of Reeva Steenkamp in her skimpies. Except they don’t mention her name, of course. Why would you need names when you’ve got tits? Why need names when you’ve got a picture of a woman in a bikini, eh.

Because the UK is a nation that likes to masturbate over a recently murdered woman. That’s what we like. We’re a nation of wankers and we like nothing more than to ogle a picture of a dead woman in her skimpies and say “aaah well, it’s a shame, isn’t it, grunt grunt.” When Michael Winner died, we said “meh”.

When Reeva Steenkamp was murdered, we said “who” and the Sun said “LOOK AT HER!”, waving some bikini pics in our eyes – and we said “oh yeah this really is a shame because she was hot”.

Then again, your average Sun reader doesn’t “do” words, or foreign names, especially difficult ones like Reeva Steenkamp.

Your average Sun writer, though, does. Your average Sun writer, who is probably thinking about the earth opening up and swallowing him right now (if he has any sense) knows fully what he was doing this morning by splashing a picture of Reeva Steenkamp all over the front page, and not even mentioning her name (for in The Sun, tits = names, like duh).

Your average Sun writer does appreciate the average Sun reader’s desire for a bit of hyperbole, though. Valentine’s Horror, they scream. Blade Runner! They shout. Shots! Screams! It’s like it’s in a HOLLYWOOD MOVIE. And she’s got NORKS! Phwoooar.

Of course, it’s OK because “she was a model so it’s just a photo of her working”, they say. And the Daily Star probably used the same defence when they posted a different picture shouting “Blade Runner shoots lover dead”. They show respect to the dead by showing their knockers off.

Yip, we love a nice juicy murder story, so long as it includes a man whose disability gives him a fancy name, and a model in a bikini. And we love to wank over it. That’s what we do. We’re British. We honour the memory of someone who was recently murdered by ogling pictures of her. It puts it all into perspective for us.

Anyone still against media regulation? Only David Cameron, I notice. But he’s the biggest wanker of the lot, so that’s explained quite easily.

Dear everyone around the world, we’re very sorry about The Sun. We have to apologise on their behalf because they usually wait ten years before publishing an apology.

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