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The Daily Shame | April 23, 2014

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Michael Fabricant gets smutty as Tories lose grip on Eastleigh (and Maria Hutchings)

Michael Fabricant gets smutty as Tories lose grip on Eastleigh (and Maria Hutchings)

Sometimes, it’s hard not to drift into smuttiness, isn’t it. One minute you’re talking about powerpoint slides and how to leverage an event horizon, or whatever it is you do at work, the next minute you’re thinking of boobs. Here at the Daily Shame, we do everything we can to maintain a level head, and remove all thoughts of smuttiness from our mind while we concentrate on our work.

So spare a thought for the Conservative Party’s campaign co-ordinator Michael Fabricunt.

Shit.

Fabricant. Whatevs.

Here’s Michael Fabricant musing, in his infinite spare time, on why a blow job is called a blow job:

OH THE HILARITY!

It’s a great question of our time, yes. One of the greatest, I may say, alongside “why are we alive” and “what comes after death” and “is there a God”. I’ve heard entire sermons delivered on a Sunday morning in front of audiences of literally handfuls of people on why – oh why – is it not called a “suck job”. The whole nation is talking about it – if not thinking quietly about it – so much so that literally nobody can get on with their work, they’re so busy wondering why it’s not called a suck job.

The Chinese have started using it as a proverb in order to clear your mind of all conscious thought. Never mind trees falling in the forest making a sound when there’s no one there to hear them, why is it not called a suck job?

And can you blame poor old Fabricunt for letting his mind wander, what with his chances of winning this Eastleigh by-election fading faster than his own career chances. For some reason, they picked the most ridiculous woman EVER to run for them, this Maria Hutchings, a woman who tried to attack the Tory’s favourite ever Labour PM on the telly, and then didn’t even bother to turn up for hustings.

She’s so shit that she even declared state schools are all wanky and that her 12-year-old son wants to be some sort of heart surgeon or something and basically, no state school could do that for her poor little Tarquin or whatever he’s called.

I mean, of all the candidates you DON’T want to be associated with, Maria Hutchings is that candidate. This is a Tory target seat, or at least it was until they found Hutchings. Now it’s a lost cause. They’ve found the only woman in the country who could actually LOSE to the Liberal Democrats, a party so poisonous and so despised country-wide that Fred Goodwin could beat them in a by-election.

And even their campaign co-ordinator knows it because he’s gone on the Twitter and openly mused about blow jobs and why they’re not called suck jobs.

So, can the Tories win Eastleigh? No, they Fabrican’t.

See what I did there?

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