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The Daily Shame | August 29, 2015

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Let’s all be like Hinchingbrooke, whisper Tories in sneak NHS privatisation

Let’s all be like Hinchingbrooke, whisper Tories in sneak NHS privatisation

Mmmm, competition. We all love a good competition, don’t we? It’s healthy. It keeps us all pink-faced and rosy-cheeked. Competition’s great. Without it, we’d, dunno, get all lazy and shit, whatever. Competition keeps us competitive. Like at sports day. Egg and spoon. Premier League. Etcetera.

So we’re a little bit mystified here. Cos we all like competition, and the Tories don’t want us to know they’re putting “competition” into the NHS. They were all quiet about it, hiding it in some legislation that doesn’t even have to go through parliament, hoping that nobody would notice.

But then, some people did notice what the slimy little fucknuggets were doing. It is a proper, full-scale privatisation of the NHS, opening every single service open to competition. See, competition’s good, so you should like this. No? But they didn’t want you to hear about it, so they sneaked it in at the last minute.

And what’s more, they really upped the PR in their mouthpieces, sorry newspapers this weekend with some year-old lies about how FUCKING GREAT Hinchingbrooke hospital is now that it’s gone private, oh you should really go there it’s like made of gold and the beds are the softest you’ve ever layed down in, you should try it. The doctors are all hunks and the nurses are semi-naked and slather themselves in chocolate for you and you’ll get better. Not only will you get really really better but you’ll come out of there with an extra TEN YEARS on your life you should try Hinchingbrooke Hospital now, you really should.

It’s not like that Staffordshire one – boo hiss – where there’s no competition. If they had competition, they wouldn’t be doing what they do, or any of the other ones, frankly, they’re all rubbish. You should just read about how bad it is in the NHS, you really should… (and how FUCKING LAZY NHS workers are).

At Hinchingbrooke, they have competition and it’s COMPETITIVE and when you go through those doors, they take your coat off for you and fluff up a pillow and someone probably asks you if you want a blow job, and someone comes along and says “I can offer a better blow job” because they have COMPETITION, I don’t know, I’m wondering aloud here, go with me, go with me.

That’s basically the gist of the Daily Mail and Telegraph PR pieces that came out this weekend rather coincidentally alongside the hidden news that the Tories were pushing through legislation that would allow their donors to pick up the rest of the NHS, because JUST A LITTLE BIT isn’t enough.

Nup, just a little bit won’t do for their donors, they want the whole lot. And they’ll get it, unless someone in parliament decides to challenge this regulation. If you’re expecting the Lib Dems to stand up and say “erm, we used to be against this thing so we’re going to stop it”, then good luck, they’re too busy wondering who’s been groping who for the last few years. No time for the NHS.

Equally, if you’re wondering whether the government will still have a duty to provide healthcare for you, you’re wrong. It doesn’t. From this year, the government only has a duty to “promote” healthcare to you. Slight change of emphasis. They didn’t mention that small change to the NHS constitution, either, because they’ve lied to you. Even the stupid people who voted for them, they lied to them, too.

But then again, Hinchingbrooke’s doing such a fucking FANTASTIC job that it doesn’t really matter does it. Hey? Competition’s great. Egg and spoon. Premier League. Better blow jobs.

Get your wallets out, people, cos you’re not getting any better if you can’t afford it.


  1. Mitch Saunders

    A very constructive article full of what you would do different. Obviously this is sarcasm because like every moaning git you just spurt a load of crap you know nothing about

  2. Gareth

    Hello fuckwit. OK, you want a plan? How about not cutting the NHS, not sacking nurses, not putting it out to private competition, and investing to improve care? Now fuck off.

  3. Del

    Gareth for PM! Great stuff!

  4. Gareth

    I thank you!
    I rather enjoyed it, actually. Who’s next?

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