Hello, poor person. We’re sorry to hear about your dear grandma who lived in that third bedroom of yours. By the way, we’re cutting your housing benefit, you scumbucket, because you really should have kept her alive.

Think about it, it’s all your own fault. Dead granny, spare bedroom… you should have gone private and kept her alive a little longer. Now you’re going to have less money to spend on food and other essentials such as travelling for job interviews. Oh, sorry, I forgot, you’re a shirker and you’re too lazy for job interviews. So once more, it’s all your own fault.

Hello, military wife. Nice choir, by the way. What’s that? Your son has decided to go on duty, too? Well, that’s a nice bedroom you have there, with his posters and everything. We’ll cut your benefits, too. Ha!

And hello, disabled person. What’s that? You can’t climb the stairs any more? Well, it’s your own stupid fault isn’t it. You should have gone private, really. Why don’t you just fuck off and live in a one-bedroom bungalow? Yeah, that’s right, go on. Fuck off out of this tax-payer funded paradise of yours, with kids throwing stones at the windows, and move into a one-bedroom bungalow.

 

That’s the problem with disableds, isn’t it. They should look at those Paralympic athletes and hang their heads in shame. Would you see Johnny Peacock moaning about housing benefit and bedroom taxes? No you would most certainly not. There they all are with their spare bedrooms – FUCKING PARADISE THIS. Living it up at tax payer’s expense. I bet they modified your house, too, with RAMPS and shit. Come on, get out of there.

So you can’t go upstairs, what do you need that room for? If you don’t need that room, you don’t need all your housing benefit.

So take your family of ten, and move into a one-bedroom hovel somewhere up north (Stoke’s rather nice this time of year, we’ve heard) because we really don’t give a shit about you unless you’re a “wealth creator”.

On you moan, “oh the rich, yadiyadiya, they’re taking all the money” moan, moan, moan. It’s our responsibility to protect the rich by not implementing a mansion tax, by charging them basically the same council tax as you for houses that are a thousand times bigger.

We’ve given you Wonga and guaranteed loans. What more do you want?

Now then… this is what Landlord Cameron calls an ‘under-occupation penalty’, or the bedroom tax. No, wait, it’s not a tax – it’s a benefit. Sorry. Remember that.

Landlord Cameron thinks it’ll save £500m a year – and there’s an added benefit, because if you make poors even poorer, they’ll turn to payday loan companies (it’s a proven fact, we read it in a book) and those payday loan companies will make lots and lots of money out of the poors. Or they’ll gamble it away, helping the gambling industry. Whatevs. Keep up.

So there’s no housing stock, no social housing, and tenants will have to move into private accommodation, and they’ll probably have to claim more benefits than they currently receive.

So, from an economic point of view, this bedroom tax is fucked-up. It doesn’t work because, as always, the Tories have only seen ONE STEP in the future. Yes, it’ll save £500m, but what’s the knock-on effect? Higher benefits claims for private rents that are far more expensive.

So it doesn’t work from an economic point of view. You don’t need a PhD to understand that, so let’s assume that even the worst chancellor in the history of the United Kingdom, George Osborne, understands that most basic of premises.

 

So why do it? Is it social cleansing? Is it a chance to move some poor people into even more unsufferable conditions they can’t afford so that they turn to your friends in the payday loan business? Or they turn to your friends who run the food banks, charging churches £1500 a pop to run the food bank evenings? Yes, we know about your links with the Trussel Trust, whose work we admire, but whose background we question.

Or is it that you want to help private landlords? You want to enrich them further? The poors are there, we’ve made them poorer, and they’ll all get payday loans to pay their rent now, so actually, we’re making people richer. Just not those poors, but they don’t vote Tory anyway.

While millionaires receive a tax-cut (sorry, “wealth creators”), none of that money appears to be trickling down.

If the Tory party’s ideological zeal is to allow money to ‘trickle down’, why is it that the only thing trickling down on the poor is piss?

No, that’s not their mission. Their mission is purely ideological… move people off state money and into private dependency. But it doesn’t work, because they’ve only seen one step along the road – that of moving people into private accommodation. Once they’re in private accommodation, though, the Tory Party think they’re finished with – but they’re not. They’ll have to claim further benefits.

They’re not just the nasty party, they’re the incompetent party, too. And in the meantime, disabled people, carers, the bereaved, and the generally poor, will have to accept putting less food on the table (who needs bread, after all), while Landlord Cameron’s mates move into Southwark, a freshly cleansed area of London, with their Bentleys.

Move along, people. We hear Bulgaria is nice this time of year.