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The Daily Shame | September 17, 2014

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Shock as Superstars 2012 exposes children everywhere to the concept of winning AND losing!

Shock as Superstars 2012 exposes children everywhere to the concept of winning AND losing!

Wasn’t it great to see Superstars back on our TVs recently?  Yes it was and, for anyone over forty who remembers the names Brian Jacks, Geoff Capes and Barry John… I bet you were also remembering those precious times spent with your parents, watching popular sports personalities succeed and fail time and time again, with no animosity or bad feeling between them.

What’s great is being able to witness these super-fit sporting heroes get it wrong sometimes.  It kind of makes you value them even more for letting us see their weaknesses and insecurities.  They are, after all, only human…like the rest of us.   Except, unlike a lot of us, they’ve committed to doing something constructive with their lives and trained hard to get there.

With that in mind…it would be silly not to bring back such a TV format to encourage our own little darlings to do the same.  It worked for us.

So why don’t the BBC bring it back as a regular series?  I mean, what’s not to like?  Athletes competing against each other to inspire young people to get out and get fit has got to be better than encouraging them to stand on a stage, singing other people’s songs (badly) and banging on about how crap their lives are into a camera.  You know what I’m saying.

Hang on…I know.  Damn it.  I’ve just realized.  That would mean going against everything society today is trying to encourage.  Stupidly…I forgot that children need to be protected from failure at all costs, no matter what.

If we bung Superstars back on TV, we’ll be running the risk of our sweet vulnerable babies getting a taste for competition and striving to achieve an award by actually winning it.  At the moment they’re safe from all that.  Even turning up at a school sports day wins them a sticker telling everybody they took part.  Well done them…for just being there.

So, no, we can’t have Superstars back on TV.  Well…not unless they invent new awards for the losers.

Let’s say one of the competitors falls over during a race.  He or she gets a special award for trying their best, regardless.  Then everyone else who took part gets the same award so they don’t feel left out.

Mind you…awards would have to be invented spontaneously to cover any possibility.  For example, if some of the contestants accidentally wet themselves doing squat thrusts or chin-ups, there you immediately have two new awards…one for the volume of piss produced and one for the frequency of pissing.  Even better, if another person is pissed upon in the process, they also get an award.  With me so far?

Most importantly…and this would be compulsory…if any of the athletes cry because they don’t come first, they’ll automatically get a special certificate that states, in shiny gold letters, they would have won if nobody else had taken part.  This actually makes them joint winner.

At the end of the series, any person with any amount of awards (or none) would be classed as a winner, even if they hadn’t turned up at all or were a member of the audience…therefore, reinforcing the message that…falling over, soiling yourself, doing nothing at all or generally being shit at everything brings countless accolades of achievement.  Oh…and it helps to cry.  It’s essentially the answer to everything.

By the same token…it would also reinforce the fact that trying your best isn’t always a good idea.  It’s a lot of effort for no real reward and any athlete is far better off crying to Denise Lewis about how unfair it all is and blubbering inconsolably into her cleavage.  Plus, they’ll get an award for that too.  Win/win…of course!

Anyway…who cares who wins or loses…as long as all our children think they’re achieving to their full potential…even when they’re not even coming close.

I hate to say it, but at least TV talent show judges aren’t shy of calling shit singers exactly what they are…shit singers..and, to be fair, it’s probably school talent shows and mollycoddling teachers that have duped the disastrous acts into believing how fantastic they are…on account of their nice hair or sweet smile…not to mention the threat of an over-protective parent steaming in with both fists.

A show like Superstars could certainly inject a much needed thirst for healthy competition into our children’s hearts and minds and, what with the introduction of women into the mix, we could really use something like this to boost interest in outside sporting activities for both boys and girls.

Alternatively, we can carry on as we are…and forget how driven we all were by competition as kids.  We can forget that, just being picked for ‘tossing the welly’ on sports day, meant you were already a fucking loser (even if you won)…and being dragged along on your back by a gargantuan three-legged race partner made you all the more determined to keep up next time.

While we’re at it, we can conveniently turn a blind eye to the lengths that society in general seems to be going to, in order to avoid teaching our kids not only how to win triumphantly, but how to lose graciously.

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