Matthew Hancock can’t get out of bed for Daybreak because he’s young, you see
Hello fellow strivers. How angry are you today about shirkers? Are you really fucking angry about them? I do hope so.
Did you look up at the curtains as you left for work this morning? Did you rue the fact that your good-for-nothing, layabout neighbour (erm, and Tory MP) was still lying in bed, dreaming of garotting poors and S&M, while you, striver that you are, went to work in the dark?
Did you look up at those curtains and shake your fist at the window shouting “Matthew Hancock, you fucker, I pay your wages. I pay your expenses and you lie around all morning in bed instead of appearing on Daybreak.” I bet you did.
Did you furiously flick through the pages of the Daily Mail on the train to work, spitting venom at the very idea that a fat man in Croydon has ten children and refuses to work? I hope so because he is a shirker and they’re all the same. Lazy, oversleeping shirkers, leeching off the state. I know so because the government said so, and they told the papers to say so, therefore it must all be true. Shirkers. They walk among us.
God, I hate shirkers. They lie around in bed when they’re meant to be doing interviews on breakfast TV, and then they make up some excuse about “being a little late”, as you do. Late, my arse, they were SLEEPING WHILE YOU WERE WORKING.
Yes, this is Matthew Hancock, supposedly a rising star of the Tory Party, which is not a pun in case any of you ‘got it’. Because Matthew ain’t rising for anyone, least of all Daybreak. Unfortunately for Matthew, he was about to appear on a programme berating poors because they’re so FUCKING LAZY they can’t get out of bed and GET A JOB.
Matthew’s a youngster, you see. You can tell if you read his Twitter feed. Instead of using the word “are”, he uses the letter “r”. You see, he’s down with the kids. He’s just a toddler when you compare him to the withered wank-hand white-haired onanists on the backbenches. He’s a spotty onanist who hates poors, but pity poor Matthew, he can’t get out of bed.
You see, Matthew Hancock has said some pretty dumb things in the past, but we still want to give him a chance. He is, after all, just starting out in this politics thing and he’s young, as we said. He recently said that the Conservative Party should support the low paid, which is a good thing isn’t it. Let’s support him on that. What else did he say?
“Supporting the low paid in this way means tackling immigration.”
Oh dear. He’s already playing to the Daily Mail crowd. But he’s young, and he’s spotty and oversleeps, does poor Matthew. We must not be too harsh. We must help him through these early years. What else has he said?
“I have a huge affinity for Disraeli, not least because I come from a provincial background and I went to the local village school and have arrived latterly in Westminster.”
Ah yes, he’s the new Disraeli, don’t you know. Well, I too had delusions of adequacy when I was a youngster, so I understand. I thought that I could emulate Evan Dando by growing my hair long and singing Mrs Robinson. So I sympathise with Matthew.
So please, dear people, as you walk by those closed curtains this morning on your way to your unpaid workfare job, don’t shake your fist at the window. Don’t throw stones at his window. Don’t wave your rolled-up Daily Mail in the air and shout “shirking fucker, I pay your wages”, shout “We’re here for you, Matthew. You need those extra hours’ sleep, as scientists say it helps teenagers. Rest those weary eyelids. Rest them.”