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The Daily Shame | October 22, 2014

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Get on the treadmill, fattie, or we’ll cut your benefits

Now that we’ve separated the strivers from the scroungers, it would be helpful if we could break down the scroungers into different categories. A bit like the Nazis separated “all non blonde people” into different categories such as “browns”, “jews” and “those who can’t walk properly”. Yes, what we need is a scrounger identification database, so that we can target different types of scrounger.

Fatso

Fatso

So within the scrounger demographic, you’ve got the fat ones. They’re the majority, obviously, because scroungers are all boozers, and they eat at McDonalds every day (with YOUR TAXES) so if we’re going to bring down the BENEFITS BILL, then we’re going to have to target fatties first. Never mind the benefits, it’s YOUR NHS that’s being affected by this fat timebomb – something like £5bn a year is spent on FAT PEOPLE in hospitals.

So here’s a wheeze – why don’t we tell the fatties that they should go to the gym. And if they don’t, we’ll take their benefits away from them. What do you think?

Of course, if we’re going to implement this crackpot plan, then we’re going to have to DEFINE what a fat person is. Can you be temporarily obese? After all, if we have an obesity threshold, then post-Christmas, many more people are going to be defined as fatties, and could therefore face losing their benefits.

So we’ll need a monthly ‘benefits qualification weigh-in’ just so that we can properly shame these fat scroungers. And then thin ones, because they too could one day be obese, too, seeing as they all eat at McDonalds. This will require heavy-duty weighing scales at every job centre, or perhaps we can establish some new weigh-in centres at places fat people regularly visit, such as McDonalds, or the pub.

OK, so we have to do a weigh-in and we have to regularly screen benefits applicants and place them into the fat category. Then we’ll have to ensure that they DO go to the gym. Perhaps we can employ charity workers (after all, they work for nothing) to pop round to a fat person’s house every Monday evening and take them (on a leash) to the nearest gym. The charity worker will have to stay for the duration of the gym session and ensure that the fat person has run the requisite number of miles on the treadmill.

After all, we know that fat people are supremely lazy and will do fuck all unless monitored. Therefore, the charity worker will have to report back on the fatty’s gym session, and enter that data into a government central IT database. If that fat person has run at least 5 miles, then it can have its benefits for the month. If not, no food for you, fatso. And if they haven’t lost weight (this also has to be tracked in the database) over a certain length of time, then their benefits will be phased out.

The problem here is that fat people will quite literally OVERRUN the gyms that are used by glamorous, thin people. And that will force the glamorous, thin people to go elsewhere, closing down gyms. Because glamorous, thin people don’t like to be associated with fatties. So what now? Well, we’re going to need a government-run fat-person-on-benefits-gym-network that is exclusively for fat scroungers.

Again, we’re going to properly shame these fat people, so let’s use glass panelling all the way round so that everyone can point and laugh at the fat people as they’re running 5 miles under the supervision of a charity worker in order to get their benefits.

What this proposal forgets to mention is that fat people like fatty food, not just a lack of exercise and an afternoon spent lying in front of the telly watching Jeremy Kyle. So we also need to cut their benefits if they don’t eat enough vegetables, but then that would run against the government’s drive towards making us all eat shit food made by their corporate friends.

Perhaps this policy needs a little fleshing out.

Haha, fleshing out. Did you see what I did there?

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