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The Daily Shame | October 5, 2015

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Children must all learn imperial measurements, as well as evacuation procedures

Children must all learn imperial measurements, as well as evacuation procedures

by Chairman Michael Gove

Back to the future

Back to the future

The problem with children today is that they’re so cosseted, so wrapped in cotton wool, with their tablets and their bean bags and comfy chairs and their easy-to-understand metric system. Since that fateful year of 1974, children have been learning these appalling EUROPEAN measurements as if anyone actually uses them in this country.

I intend to turn that round by forcing children to learn the imperial measurements system. It’s cheaper than getting rid of imperial measurements everywhere else, and besides, there is a wealth of evidence that the metric system is in fact a European plot to undermine the British way of life.

Back, in 1952, French and German representatives, led by General de Gaulle, met secretly in Strasbourg to discuss “La Traite Franco-Allemand pour la subjugation metrique du Royaume Uni”. I’m sure you understand the covert nature of the talks, given that they tried to hide their intentions in FRENCH. The discussions centred around how the French and the Germans would yoke our fine nation into its bosom by forcing us to learn the metric system.

In 1958, British intelligence noted the arrival of “hundreds of Frenchmen with rulers” on the boat from Dieppe. The head of MI6 at the time wrote in his diaries: “We can only assume that the Traite Franco-Allemande of 1952 is being activated and that these Europeans are taking their first steps towards eliminating imperial measurements. Protect the children. Protect them!”

There are reports from around the country of “swarthy, foul-smelling European types” with measuring tapes that had “the wrong lines” on them, measuring the height of trees and shouting out “eet ees 1 point 5 meetres tall, Henri”, and “vive la systeme metrique”. Many residents found these new arrivals “funny” at the time. I’m sure that, given the upheaval of our precious imperial system, they don’t feel the same way today.

It took them 16 years to turn our schools around and force them to use the metric system in their teaching, and the result is that our children have become lazy, feckless and European as a result.

The imperial system was not just an outdated way of measuring things, it taught our children rigours of being British. This was the system of Empire. The system of The Queen. The metric system is the system of de Gaulle. The system of laid-back, good-for-nothing, unemployment and Europeanness.

I intend to roll this back, and today’s children will pay for the mistakes of the past. They will learn the imperial system, and they will recite it by rote in their year-end examination, and any child who fails will be caned, flogged and birched by the deputy headmaster. We cannot allow this post-1950s European hedonism infect our children and their measurements.

I also intend to give them gas masks and enforce schools to review all evacuation procedures in case of a bombing by the Luftwaffe. That’s how fucking stupid I am.


  1. Conedia

    “Hans! Hans! Come look here! Ze British are going to teach zeir children in zeir schools ze units Imperial! Das is gut for us in Germany, ja?”

    “Ja indeed, Dieter! Call all ze clients ve lost last year to ze British manufacturers, in Japan, Australia, even here in ze fahterland, and all zose other places zat bought from ze British, and tell zem zis news. Zey vill not now vant to risk a metric-imperial mix-up in ze British hitech factories, nein?”

    “Ein gut idea, Hans. Ve shall get even more business for ze fahterland. But vy vould ze British do such a stupid zing? And aren’t zeir factories metric anyvay?”

    “Ssshhh Dieter – ve must not tell zose clients zat! Ve must let zose clients zink zat ze British are going back to ze units imperial for everyzing. Ve must not let zem zink zat ze British factories are still metric.”

    “But zat still does not explain ze stupidity of ze British in teaching the units imperial in zeir schools.”

    “I zink it is because zey still have zeir roadsigns in ze units imperial. So zey must teach zeir children ze units imperial in zeir schools.”

    “Hans, vould it not be better to change zeir roadsigns to ze metric, like everyvere else in ze world? Zen zey vould not need to spend all zat schooltime teaching ze obsolete units imperial, and confuse zeir children, just because of zeir roadsigns.”

    “Dieter, you are zinking logically like ein gut German. Ze British do not zink logically like that.”

    “But Hans, vill not zeir children now be burdened vis having to learn ze two lots of ze measurements units, and get zem all confused? If zeir children vere not confused vis ze two measurement systems, zen zey vould not make any metric-imperials mix-ups ven zey go to verk, and zey vould still keep zeir clients from all ze metric countries.”

    “Dieter, ze British have zese dumbkopf politicians who don’t understand ze damage zis does to zeir children in ze world, and zen to zeir economy. I heard zat ze biggest dumbkopf of zem all is a Member of ze British Parliament called Andrew Percy. Vis a little luck, he vill do much damage to ze economy British by zis move. But Dieter, do not vorry yourself about ze stupid British and zeir dumbkopf politicians. Ve must let all our lost clients know zis news before ze other metric countries hear about it also.”

    “Ja Hans, ve must! Zis is ein gut time to be a German, ja?”

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