Children must all learn imperial measurements, as well as evacuation procedures
by Chairman Michael Gove
The problem with children today is that they’re so cosseted, so wrapped in cotton wool, with their tablets and their bean bags and comfy chairs and their easy-to-understand metric system. Since that fateful year of 1974, children have been learning these appalling EUROPEAN measurements as if anyone actually uses them in this country.
I intend to turn that round by forcing children to learn the imperial measurements system. It’s cheaper than getting rid of imperial measurements everywhere else, and besides, there is a wealth of evidence that the metric system is in fact a European plot to undermine the British way of life.
Back, in 1952, French and German representatives, led by General de Gaulle, met secretly in Strasbourg to discuss “La Traite Franco-Allemand pour la subjugation metrique du Royaume Uni”. I’m sure you understand the covert nature of the talks, given that they tried to hide their intentions in FRENCH. The discussions centred around how the French and the Germans would yoke our fine nation into its bosom by forcing us to learn the metric system.
In 1958, British intelligence noted the arrival of “hundreds of Frenchmen with rulers” on the boat from Dieppe. The head of MI6 at the time wrote in his diaries: “We can only assume that the Traite Franco-Allemande of 1952 is being activated and that these Europeans are taking their first steps towards eliminating imperial measurements. Protect the children. Protect them!”
There are reports from around the country of “swarthy, foul-smelling European types” with measuring tapes that had “the wrong lines” on them, measuring the height of trees and shouting out “eet ees 1 point 5 meetres tall, Henri”, and “vive la systeme metrique”. Many residents found these new arrivals “funny” at the time. I’m sure that, given the upheaval of our precious imperial system, they don’t feel the same way today.
It took them 16 years to turn our schools around and force them to use the metric system in their teaching, and the result is that our children have become lazy, feckless and European as a result.
The imperial system was not just an outdated way of measuring things, it taught our children rigours of being British. This was the system of Empire. The system of The Queen. The metric system is the system of de Gaulle. The system of laid-back, good-for-nothing, unemployment and Europeanness.
I intend to roll this back, and today’s children will pay for the mistakes of the past. They will learn the imperial system, and they will recite it by rote in their year-end examination, and any child who fails will be caned, flogged and birched by the deputy headmaster. We cannot allow this post-1950s European hedonism infect our children and their measurements.
I also intend to give them gas masks and enforce schools to review all evacuation procedures in case of a bombing by the Luftwaffe. That’s how fucking stupid I am.