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The Daily Shame | April 20, 2014

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This Remploy thing can’t even make sense to Tories, can it?

This Remploy thing can’t even make sense to Tories, can it?

Once a month, I turn into a Tory. It doesn’t last long, and my family are wise enough to lock me away for those dark hours, usually around full moon, where I grow sharpened teeth, my hair thins out, and I feel this aching need to strangle poor people and play bizarre sex games. The claw marks on the inside of our under-stairs cupboard are testimony to the horrors of what my family call “the witching hour”. Once, I escaped, and ran as fast as I could to Hampstead Heath. Locals fled, and newspapers reported a “raving loon, mouth frothing, bald head resplendent in the moonlight, on the lookout for poor people to steal from”.

There is little I can do to prevent myself from turning Tory for these awful, fearful hours, but I figured that I could help people interpret what’s really going on inside the Tory mind. I realised that turning Tory, for a few hours, need not be an infliction as such. I could use it for the greater good. After all, they claim to be more economically literate than everyone else. Their sole motivation (apart from sex with everyone) is money, so I set out to understand their financial motivations behind the closure of the Remploy factories.

As the full moon revealed itself from behind the clouds, my wife noticed the creeping perversion in my eyes, and led me downstairs for my monthly imprisonment. After locking the door, she slipped a piece of paper and a pen underneath the door, as well as some documents for me to peruse. We were to harness the Tory within me to understand just why so many disabled people had been made redundant.

Here is the transcript of my frenzied under-stair Tory moments.

gnn…. gnn… disabled people. What’s the fucking point of them? Apart from a few gold medals if they can be bothered to get off their arse… arse… arse… Anne Widdecombe’s hosting a quiz show tomorrow, I might watch that.

Arse… where was I? Oh yes, Remploy. We shut them down, didn’t we. That was a good idea, because those disabled people would have to get off their arses and get real jobs.

And it was costing us, wasn’t it. It was costing us, the government, lots of money to keep these wheelchair people in jobs so we had to close it down. It had to close…. gnnn….

So we have lots of disabled people with no jobs, but the buggers are claiming benefits. Shit this is costing us again. Let’s make sure they work for those benefits and make them do something worthwhile. How’s about making them work for NO MONEY!

Gnnn… money… we use that to pay for sex, don’t we? Gnnn….

So they go stack some shelves to earn their benefits. But we still have to pay their benefits. Gnnn… how are we making any money out of this? Yes, it’s fun to make disabled peoples’ lives a misery, but how are we making money?

<around this point I did some furious scribbling of numbers>

I can’t make head nor tail of this… the figures don’t add up. As employees of Remploy, they were tax payers. They paid tax. Now they’re not paying any tax, and we’re paying them benefits… gnnnnnn…. my head hurts.

I mean, I’m all for bringing back slavery, but if it’s costing us? Slavery was meant to be totally free. We’ll just have to cut their benefits completely, even if they go on the workfare scheme…

At this point, I appear to have gone off into some sort of reverie, and I woke up the morning after, the sun shining in my face, wondering what had happened to me. The notes confirmed it – I had turned Tory for the night, but even I couldn’t understand the logic behind the closure of Remploy factories.

As I scanned through my notes, I realised that all financial logic appeared to have been thrown out of the window. You take a group of tax payers out of the system, put them on benefits and tell them to work for nothing. If they refuse, you’ll take their benefits away. So they have no money whatsoever to spend, and you need people to spend money in order to make the economy better.

You humiliate them, you drag them through the dirt, you take away their self-respect and their dignity, and there’s no financial benefit. Instead of EARNING tax, you PAY benefits.

Can it be true that the only reason the Tories closed Remploy factories was because they ENJOY humiliating disabled people? Or is someone profiting from the sale of those factories? Someone, perhaps, who has given money to the Tories? Someone, perhaps, who will give money to the Tories?

If there is, it has to be the only financial reason for closing the factories, because any sane person with a basic grasp of ‘sums’ and ‘humanity’ wouldn’t have done it.

But as someone who turns Tory once a month, I know there’s no such thing as financial common sense when it comes to the ritual fun of humiliating poor people.

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