This Christmas, Cameron’s raising money for the impoverished rich
You poors, you know NOTHING of the pressures of being rich, the pressures of a bank account literally stuffed full of cash. You sit there, in your hovels, your terraced houses and your cardboard boxes, moaning about not having enough to spend on food or presents for the children. What do you know.
So this Christmas, spare a thought for those too rich to care. Take, for example, poor Gideon of Westminster. Gideon, whose fortune is raised on tax avoidance and hampers, probably, has just lost his favourite servant, Giles. Giles, who had been in the family for over 30 years, retired two months ago, and Gideon has been forced to go through temps and agency hires, none of which are able to butter his toast properly in the morning, or put his socks on for him. This Christmas, Gideon faces carving the turkey himself, having no one to do it for him.
Spare a thought this Christmas for the bearded millionaire, Richard in Oxfordshire, who has had to withstand numerous protests about his aggressive tax avoidance scheme for his business. Richard, who has not actually seen any protestors, has been kept up at night by reports that people have been aggressively tweeting his twitter account with requests for him to pay more tax. Richard has been afraid to venture online for at least two months now, for fear that he will be trolled.
And think of Kris, who runs a coffee shop in the UK. Kris has voluntary given up some of his own company’s marketing budget after being harassed by MPs over his tax avoidance scheme. He calls it “tax”, but he didn’t know what tax was until recently. People like Kris don’t have access to teaching resources about vital things such as tax. With David Cameron’s help, he could avoid even paying that £20m.
You see, poors, the rich have it hard. And you never understood. You never cared. All you cared about was your “electricity bills” or shit like that. You sat there, opening your tins of corned beef, mumbling about how on earth you were going to pay off the overdraft, but you never thought once about Kris, Richard and Gideon.
David Cameron, however, he understands. That’s why so many of you voted for him.
When he stood up in Prime Minister’s Question Time and said “We are raising more money for the rich”, he meant it. They are raising more money for the rich. With a tax cut for 8,000 millionaires, and benefit cuts and job losses for loads of disabled people, you can see that David has a redistribution policy the equal of any other.
What’s that? You thought that redistribution meant a more equitable share for everyone? Does it fuck, poors, do you never listen? You don’t understand politics, do you. It can work both ways… the government’s simply taking the money it could have given you, or that it used to give you, and is giving it to its friends. 8,000 of them.
Eventually, that money will be redistributed into Conservative Party funds, and it will pay for their next election where they’ll convince you they’re cracking down on immigrants so you vote for them.
That’s how your economy works. It’s called trickle-down economics. Read your textbooks (if you can read) – it says “if you give the rich loads more money, some of that money will trickle down”… the book goes on to say “it’s like drink… if you give the rich lots and lots of booze to drink at Christmas, they’ll start to piss on the poor people, and the poors will get their alcohol through rich peoples’ urine.”
So do spare a thought for the rich this Christmas, you selfish, selfish poor people. And stop moaning. You’re raising more money for the rich – David Cameron said so – and it’s a good, good thing you’re doing.