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The Daily Shame | October 9, 2015

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Priti Patel tells Scots to stuff their haggis, or something like that

Priti Patel tells Scots to stuff their haggis, or something like that

Bloody scots, who do you think you are, eh? With your haggis and your universities that don’t have tuition fees and your free prescriptions and your ‘elderly care’. What you need is a proper kick up the arse and a good ol’ fashioned dose of Tory medicine. So who better to turn to, than Tory nobody Priti Patel.

Whodat? Priti Patel. Oh come on, you must have heard of Priti Patel.

She’s MP for Witham, Essex, so that makes her really really qualified to talk about Scotland, so we should all just SHUT UP and LISTEN to her because she’s Priti Patel and she’s part of that 1922 Committee thing on the Tory backbenches, which is odd because she’s not a white-haired old man with his cock out, drooling over schoolboys. Whoops, did I say that? I meant ALLEGEDLY.

This is the same Priti Patel who said that we should bring back the death penalty and she was one of those dumbfuck Tories who said that Brits are all lazy, basically.

She thinks it’s unfair that them bloody haggis-eaters are getting, like, a way better life than everyone else. Because the Tories have pretty much fucked everything up down south, they want to be able to do it in that Scotland, too. Except that there’s no Tories up there. Why that? Go figure…

So Patel’s going on about the Scotland costing us billions:

“These are considerable sums of money which should be reduced as part of deficit reduction plans, but the point I am making is in the light of the wider politics of Scotland right now. Scotland is talking about independence. I would rather they remain in the UK, but we have a funding imbalance that has to be addressed. When you think about the prevailing doctrine in all the parties in Scotland, everyone is talking about more devolution. So there is a good opportunity now for the UK Government to actually start having discussions to make sure that Scotland actually pays for itself.”

Yeah Scotland, pay for yourself, and your stupid haggis and tuition fee-freedom.

In short, Priti Patel’s ridiculously shit argument is that basically, this whole independence thing is a great opportunity to stop giving the Scots so much money. Or… it’s a great opportunity to get rid of Scotland so that there will forever be a Tory majority in an English parliament.

Except, if you lose Scotland, you’ll have to invade it afterwards so you can get your hands on that oil. Shit, didn’t think of that, Priti. Still, it’ll help fund that arms industry that your boss David Cameron is so keen to promote out there in Saudi Arabia. Why sell everything to the Arabs when you can use it yourself and flatten Edinburgh?

Back to dumbo Priti… she’s not too happy that the Scots get £1,600 more per person than the English average, putting “a strain” on public finances. Of course they do, because you don’t have a say, Priti. And that’s a good thing. I envy the Scots and their Tory-free nation. I envy the way some young Scots don’t even know what a Conservative MP is.

The more I think about it, if I were Scottish, I’d be voting FOR independence. Independence from the Tory fucks who think they can ruin life for everyone but them and their rich mates. Tory fucks who won’t name and shame companies who avoid tax, but fund HMRC for chasing individuals who are late.

So go for it, Scotland. We’d be sorry to see you go, but we can’t blame you.


  1. KFR

    for more on scotish traditions , haggis , Burns , etc etc

    read “Celebrate” by Pippa Middleton p 174 .. 199

    hint: get one of the rare originally signed “love Pippa” ones !

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