Fat man Alec Shelbrooke tells poors they can’t buy booze, he’s going to stop them
The problem with poors, right, is that they don’t know how to prioritise things. I mean, Alec Shelbrooke didn’t get where he is today without PRIORITISING things, did he. Take a look at his healthy, well-fed face. He’ll have got where he is today by PRIORITISING things properly, like by putting his appetiser in front of his starter, and then having his main course, followed by an amuse-bouche, followed by the cheese course, followed by dessert.
And then, with his coffee, he would have his petits fours. He wouldn’t have his petits fours BEFORE the cheese course, and he wouldn’t have his starter AFTER his main course, would he? This is a man you should all listen to, poors. You should take heed, for this man, he knows how to prioritise things.
Prioritising things is a life skill, and it’s one that those poors who don’t have jobs CANNOT DO, and that is why, this Christmas, Alec Shelbrooke is lifting his fat arse from the sofa and telling you, poors, how to prioritise your spending.
For a start, you get given this money, right. You see that money you scrounged from us tax payers? You see it? That shiny 50p, we gave you that, you scrounger. Well, you’re certainly not going to spend it on booze, are you. After all, you have children.
But then, you’re a poor, and you don’t know how to prioritise things. There you are, leaving your kids crying over their empty plates while you swig back another bottle of Malibu, because you just don’t know how to put things in order of priority. Stupid poors. No, you should be buying FOOD for your children, and not alcohol.
There you are, on your third bottle of Teachers’ whisky of the day, while that brown envelope lies on the mat, unopened. Priorities, poors, Priorities. Alec Shelbrooke is here to teach you a lesson, and what’s more, he’s going to enforce it with a special BENEFITS CARD that you can use, but it won’t let you buy booze, or any other luxury items, such as, I dunno, jewellery or quilted toilet paper or any of the ‘Taste The Difference’ range, for example.
Prioritise, poors, prioritise. You don’t need Taste The Difference, what you need is the cheap-looking high-fat range. The one that looks like the supermarket marketing department have vomited all over it. That’s the one. You can buy that on your special Benefits Card courtesy of Alec Shelbrooke.
You can’t get Sky TV either, although Alec Shelbrooke can, because he claims for it on his MP’s expenses. He even claims for his parking (£76 apparently) and he also claims £1300 a month for his rent. How nice. Can we do that too? Fuck, no.
He also claims for his TV licence. Can we do that too? Naw, sod off, will you, you scrounging bastards. Can we also have a website and claim for hosting fees from the tax payer? No, you can’t. Can we get our electricity bills paid for? Nup, sorry.
This year alone, Alec Shelbrooke has claimed over £38,000 on STUFF like parking, electricity, website hosting fees, tv licence, yadiyadiya. Basically, everything he can claim, Alec has been claiming it. As you do. BUT HE HASN’T CLAIMED FOR BOOZE.
Or has he? Well, it’s hard to say, because £210 falls under “Food and Drink”. We’re assuming that he’s been drinking Perrier water or something, and not the booze, otherwise, it would be really harsh of Alec to go telling poors not to spend their tax payer’s money on booze when he’s been spending £210 a year on booze.
Yes, this is Alec Shelbrooke’s plan to ERADICATE CHILD POVERTY! Because child poverty is caused by parents who spend all of tax payer’s money on BOOZE. This is all Alec Shelbrooke could come up with to eradicate child poverty. Why doesn’t he pop along to a food bank of an evening and wag his finger at people as they queue up, having walked nine miles to get some food to feed their family.
He’d sway from side to side, high on gin and Chablis purchased at the House of Commons’ subsidised bar, belching loudly “you poors don’t know how good you’ve got it. We give you food banks, we give you tax payer’s money and we give you a kick up the arse, but what do you do? Spend all your money on alcohol.”
And the response would be: “No Alec, we spend all our money on you, you fat-faced porky fuckwit. Now, wipe the vomit from your coat, and fuck right off with your stupid fucking plans to eradicate child poverty which you wrote on the back of a fag packet. The only thing you’ll eradicate is your job, which is perhaps the only silver lining in this horrible, shitty story about a rich, fat man living off expenses, who thinks he can lecture people who don’t have any money.”