Drop that papaya, Orlando, you’re eating Weetos and their Big Baws
Hello, parents. Are you feeding your children responsibly? You know, before you pack them off to whoever’s looking after them today, have you stuffed them full of their requisite sugar, calories and hyperactivity-causing whatever-they-are-called? Ah good, you are?
Because we’ve heard of middle class parents who feed their children on sticks of celery and porridge and FRUIT or something. God knows. Seems they GIVE IN to their fucking pestering all the time, like Orlando in Waitrose saying “oh mummy mummy, can I have the Papaya?”
Stick the papaya up your arse, Orlando, you’re eating sugar pops.
Anyway, we have heard of them middle-class types and they’re probably not giving their children the requisite amount of sugar, calories and hyperactivity, and they should be giving them Weetos. With Weetos, sugar, calories and hyperactivity is rebranded as strength, alertness and energy (as if any child needs EXTRA energy), but what’s more, they’ve got this character on the box called Big Baws.
Yes, that’s right. Big Baws. He’s “as tall as a mountain and as strong as a bear”, and you’re warned to “keep out of his way”. Big Baws. I bet the Scottish parents are JUST LOVING this. Does he have, like, massive bollocks? Cos that’s what it means north of the border, and let’s face it, south of the border as well. In fact, everywhere. I mean, Big Baws. That’s just shit.
Weetos are telling your children about Big Baws, just before they stuff your child full of sugar, calories and hyperactivity, ooh, about 50% of their RDI of such things. With Big Baws all over the packet. Jimmy Savile would have been proud.
Still, anyway, let’s admire Weetabix for having the baws in the first place for putting Big Baws on the front of a children’s cereal packet. Alternatively, let’s admire the parents who stick the box in front of their kids and say “you know what, you need to be a bit more hyperactive and fat, why don’t you eat some of this processed sugar shit and knock a few more years off your life?”
Or does that conflict with the Weetabix messaging that eating this crap is HEALTHY for your child? Big Baws or no Big Baws.