All Hail Kate’s Royal Foetus, the most important thing on the planet, ever
Throw out your history books, everyone. Everything has changed, and nothing is important any more because THIS is the most important foetus in the history of foeti, and it’s a foetus that we must both celebrate and protect. A foetus for the generations. A foetus for a bank holiday? Surely, come on Cameron. Gizza day off you fucker.
Yes, get the bunting out, Kate’s preggers. Not that you’d notice with the subdued reaction from the gutter press who are only publishing about 50 pages a day of news about how a young girl from Berkshire is suddenly up the duff because some posh bald boy from that London got his jiggy on at last. Wave those union jacks, people. Wills has done the dirty and made a sprog! Not just any old sprog, it’s a third-in-line-to-the-throne sprog.
This sprog could, by the age of 70, actually be the King or Queen of this country. THINK ABOUT IT! In another 70 years, this foetus could be head of state. And it’s just about getting started in Kate’s belly right now. We should be reading passages of The Art of War to Kate’s belly, or Churchill’s speeches, backed by Elgar.
We are concerned for Kate, though, what with the enormous cuts to maternity care taking place in this country. We do hope that she doesn’t fall prey to those dreadful NHS midwives who are ALL so terrible because the Daily Mail said so and we also hope that she actually gets to see a midwife, not like everyone else these days, because there’s been these cuts and things.
What’s that? Oh, she is being looked after. Oh that’s just wonderful news! Just wonderful! Can we all have these doctors that Kate’s getting?
Oh, it seems not. You see, this is Britain, where we line the streets and wave union jacks for our beautiful, wonderful, lovely German Royal Family and we celebrate the fact that we’re giving them shitloads of money while the government cuts funding for maternity wards all round the country. God, as a nation, we’re fucking stupid sometimes.
Ever wondered why Kate & Wills haven’t been opening maternity wards of late? Yes, that’s right, there aren’t any.
And right now, the Daily Mail and Telegraph editors are beavering away, looking for nightmare stories of individual midwives who have made mistakes, while the thousands of other midwives around the country are trying to get by on breadline wages for a job of huge responsibility that frankly, no editor of the Mail or Telegraph would ever dare think of doing. Kate’s midwives & doctors are pretty well paid, of course. And that’s nice. We’re happy for them.
So here’s a deal. Let’s get the bunting out when EVERY expectant mother gets the same level of service as Kate Middleton. Let’s line the streets and wave the flags when every midwife gets the same pay as Kate’s midwives, and let’s have a bank holiday when new mothers get their home visits back from community midwives. In the meantime, let’s not celebrate the fact that some posh girl from Berkshire is pregnant, because many, many other girls, posh and otherwise, are also pregnant, with equally important foeti, and they’re not going to get anywhere near the same level of care.
Oh and sorry, Kate, unlike every other publication, we don’t have any advice for you on what to wear, what to eat and what to do.