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The Daily Shame | September 16, 2014

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Relive your favourite Leveson meltdown moments in our cut-out-and-keep collection

Relive your favourite Leveson meltdown moments in our cut-out-and-keep collection

In 20 years’ time, we’ll crack open the sherry and reminisce over yesterday. Oh, how we laughed. How we loved. Leveson, we’ll mouth to each other, misty-eyed. Leveson.

Everyone was talking about Leveson. People in the street would stop their canoes and instead of talking about their flooded houses and lost possessions, they would share stories about the Leveson report. Where were you when you heard about it? How do you feel about press freedom and the establishment of an independent regulatory body?

Leveson, oh Leveson, I still hear your sea waves blowin’…

One for the Glen Campbell fans there.

So who really gives a flying shit about Leveson, anyway, apart from a bunch of politicians who had been metaphorically bum-fucking the press in order to get positive stories out, and the press, who had been metaphorically bum-fucking everyone because they thought they could. Yeah, who cares, we’ve got no money and half the country’s underwater, but hey, the press thinks we care!

Leveson, oh Leveson… I am so afraid of dyin’…

So in twenty years’ time, let’s remember the press meltdown over Leveson, and some of our most favourite absolutely best moments from the back-end of 2012, and where better to start than the paper that thinks opinion polls are “questionable”, the Daily Mail.

CAMERON’S STAND FOR FREEDOM! They call it… forgetting that actually, the press would still be pretty free to print the news, it just wouldn’t be free to break the law. But hey, freedom to do what you want is A GOOD THING, and so is David Cameron, as he stands against this tidal wave of repression and communism. He REFUSED TO UNDERMINE 300 YEARS OF FREE SPEECH. Elsewhere, he FIGHTS FOR LIBERTY.

Over in the Telegraph for a moment, he’s fighting for our ‘ancient liberties‘.

GO Cameron! Strip yourself down to your loin cloth, take your club and beat those commies round the head with the CLUB OF FREEDOM!

Now, this is what we expected from the Daily Mail, but how’s about this rather bizarre piece of ‘satire’: Old Liverspot Wobbles off with his hands behind his bottom. Yes, it’s Quentin Letts, otherwise known as Cunt-tin Wetts round these parts, anyway, and he’s BEING FUNNY. No, IRONIC. Oh, I don’t know, but in 20 years’ time, we’ll look back on this and bawl ourselves laughing and crying, we don’t know which.

Something tells me the Daily Mail doesn’t like this whole Leveson thing. Elsewhere, Max Hastings bangs on about it being a rotten day for freedom but we didn’t get past the headline because Max Hastings is a cunt. Forgive the four-letter outburst, but we’re talking about the Daily Mail here. It’s also the “crackdown that could stifle your right to know”, yadiyadiya.

But perhaps my favourite Daily Mail article of the week was the Fox News-esque attack on a Yougov poll which happened to differ from the Daily Mail line that Leveson is a liverspotted cockwobbler commie who wants to strangle free speech and take us back to the days of Stalin.

Questions were raised, it starts. By whom? Oh, by you! Well, stop using the passive tense and come out from behind that veil of language, Daily Mail. We know who you are. We’re reading you. 79% of people favoured a regulator established by law, but the Daily Mail thinks the poll is, erm, wrong.

Anyway, enough of those shitehawks, let’s go over to the paper with most to lose, The Sun. Who have they got commenting on Leveson? Look, it’s Lorraine Kelly! You know, Lorraine Kelly. Noooo, they didn’t get anyone political to comment on it. Or anyone with half a brain. They’ve got Lorraine Kelly. She says:

THE last thing we need is for our Press to be muzzled. Newspaper reporters should be like terriers, sniffing out good stories — and must be allowed to do their job. But if Parliament gets involved then those MPs fiddling their expenses — who were caught bang to rights by good old-fashioned journalism — would never have been exposed. Readers deserve newspapers with teeth. If the Government starts to interfere in Press freedom the only winners are those with something to hide.

Oh, Lorraine. I think you’re confusing “doing your job” and “breaking the law”. But then you’re Lorraine Kelly, so we understand.

The only thing at stake here is not freedom itself, it’s the revenue stream that the gutter press rely on so much – celebrity tittle-tattle. An investigation into MP’s expenses would not have been muzzled, because it was backed up by something called evidence. Perhaps what Lorraine meant to say was:

The last thing we need is for our press not to be allowed to publish salacious stories about Charlotte Church. Newspaper reporters should be able to write what they want about a woman’s cellulite or sex life. But if Parliament stops us from writing about how droopy her knockers are, then people won’t buy our newspapers and we’ll all have to go and work for ITV or something even less respectable than working for the Sun.

So why don’t we all meet up again in 20 years and have a Leveson-themed party? You can wear your liverspots, and maybe I’ll come dressed as Lorraine Kelly and we’ll have a good old laugh about these wonderful, wonderful days. The last days of press freedom. Those halcyon days that are about to pass. We’ll reminisce. We’ll dance.

Leveson, oh Leveson, I am so afraid of dying… before I dry the tears she’s crying…

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