NOW selfish Walmart employees want stuff, will ruin Thanksgiving for everyone
Oh, America. We said it yesterday, but you just did NOT LISTEN to us when we said that your brown commie was going to ruin you, ruin you forever with communism and shit. But hey, life goes on. So let’s go down to Walmart to pick up your Thanksgiving Turkey, for that’s what you do around this time of year, as well as buying cheap stuff on that Black Friday thing.
Oh, but what’s this? They’re on strike? Naw, don’t worry, the good bosses of Walmart will make darn sure that there’s no strike this Thanksgiving by filing an official unfair labor complaint (yes, I left the ‘u’ out on purpose). Basically, they don’t want the unions to ruin everyone’s Thanksgiving.
Awwww. You see, Walmart employees, you lazy good for nothings, your bosses care about the customers.
Not you. No, really, they don’t give a shit about you. Here’s a few facts about you, the Walmart employees:
- 80% of you are so badly paid you have to rely on food stamps
- Your lack of healthcare benefits results in a cost of $1bn to the US taxpayer
- You receive over $2.6bn in state benefits every year
- You earn about $6 to $7.50 per hour
- Warehouse employees are being paid for fewer hours than actually worked
- If you strike, you kinda get sacked
- If you form a union, you kinda get bullied for it
But hey, don’t get down – cheer up, because at least you’re helping Walmart make $444bn turnover, while your CEO makes $35m a year, which is more than, erm, more than ALL OF YOU put together. Think about that. Think about how you’re helping create the great American Recovery, and how trickle down economics really, really works.
So, really, you should be thankful of the opportunity to provide your Dear Leader with more money than all of you put together, and you should be damn grateful that you’re getting food stamps from the government to support your poverty-line wages.
So let’s go back to one of our favourite nutjobs for a take on how a typical Walmart customer would view this situation – it’s our friend Eric Dondero:
When I’m at the Wal-mart or grocery story I typically pay with my debit card. On the pad it comes up, “EBT, Debit, Credit, Cash.” I make it a point to say loudly to the check-out clerk, “EBT, what is that for?” She inevitably says, “it’s government assistance.” I respond, “Oh, you mean welfare? Great. I work for a living. I’m paying for my food with my own hard-earned dollars. And other people get their food for free.” And I look around with disgust, making sure others in line have heard me.
We’re quite sure that Walmart employees would look up to Eric Dondero and say “yes, he’s right, I shouldn’t be asking for food stamps to pay my children, I should be out there working. Except that I’m working right now. And of the $444bn that the company makes each year, I get a few dollars which barely covers the rent.”
Now, if you think that Walmart are being particularly evil here, well yes, they are. But they’re FREE to do that, because that’s what FREEDOM is all about. The freedom to shaft your employees in the name of profit and $35m a year for one person. And you’re free to effectively get the state to subsidise your workforce, so that you can pay them even less money. That’s probably what Mitt Romney would call “good business”.
So if you work for Walmart, then good luck to you – there aren’t many other employers around because they all had to shut down when Walmart opened up and undercut them. And if Eric Dondero walks in and starts asking what EBT is, ram his bottle of Bourbon up his arse (sorry, ass) and tell him you’re on strike.