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The Daily Shame | October 4, 2015

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Kristen Neel leaves Twitter, moves to Australia, which is just down the road

Kristen Neel leaves Twitter, moves to Australia, which is just down the road

Oh Twitter, why do you have to be so mean? You really are mean, mean people for having a go at poor Kristen Neel, an 18-year-old girl from Georgia who’s as American as apfelkuche mit sahne, oh yes siree, yes she is.

You see, Kristen Neel has had to leave the land of Twitter after she tweeted this thing about moving to Australia because her dude Mittens of Romney managed to fuck up an election, and almost everyone on Twitter went “huh you what dumbass bitch?” and all that stuff that Twittererers do all the time.

Aw, bless her. She thinks Australia has a President. And she thinks Australia has a Christian President who does what he says. Well, it’s constitutional news to the Aussies, and perhaps someone should have told Her Maj that Australia’s gone all Republican-loony on her and deposed her with a Christian, perhaps the bald fella from the 80s. It’s also news to Julia Gillard, the female atheist Prime Minister who is actually in charge of the country. To get one thing wrong is a problem. To get everything wrong, however, that’s an achievement.

Then again, if you’re an 18-year-old girl from Georgia, which is officially the most dumbass state in the US, then you probably don’t know that you’re not the only country in the world, in fact you probably don’t know that you’re not the only state in the US. Why should you? After all, the only news you would ever get is the local news about how Smokin’ Joe the local redneck hick has just won the village’s “Most Stupid Man Named Joe” award for the tenth year running.

Australia don’t get a look in when there’s news as big as that!

Or, perhaps Kristen Neel meant Austria, which is a simple mistake to make, after all I made it a couple of times just touch-typing this article. In which case, she might be right about Heinz Fischer, I have no idea whether he’s a Christian or not, but he’s probably better than the previous Nazi they elected and kept in office for, erm, what seemed like forever.

So you can forgive poor Kristen Neel for not knowing where Australia is, or anything about Australia, because she’s from a dumb state where they don’t tell you about anywhere else. However, the rest of them? Hmmmmm…

Twitter, you’re forgiven. Go get ‘em.


  1. Mike

    Umm, Gareth, is it? Australia actually DOES have a president, just not as you know it. The tittle of the person you may think of as the senate speaker is, in fact, the president.
    Call me a sceptic or a smart arse, but I doubt poor Ms Kristen Neel would have know it though.

    I knew that portraying Australia as a backward, racist, intolerant, hate-filled society to keep the Brits out would come back to haunt us. Now the US Republicans see us as some kind of kindred spirit!

  2. Gareth

    Well, I stand corrected. I’ll call you a smartarse in that case ;)

  3. Thomas

    The Austrian president Fischer is an agnostic social-democrat, I don’t think that is the politician Kristen is looking for.

  4. Paul

    As a proud American, I take exception to your characterization of Georgia as “the most dumbass state in the U.S.” All Americans know that Florida is, in fact, the most dumbass state in the U.S.

  5. Gareth

    you have my fullest apologies, as does Georgia :)

  6. Christina

    Florida is bad, but Mississippi is worse. It is the poorest, fattest and the second worst-educated state.

    I, too, think Ms. Neel meant to refer to Austria. Heinz-Christian Strache makes the news often enough with his flirtations with neo-nazism and anti-Semitic cartoons. He is an MP, but not the PM, not that this distinction matters much to willfully ignorant kids from Georgia.

    I wish someone would take her to Oz, just for a visit. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when she discovers their “commie” ways: Medicare for all, true social security, public education on par with our best private schools in the US.

  7. Zip

    Georgia. Where the trains don’t head for until midnight and where ‘Central America’ means ‘Kansas’.

  8. Ggirl

    As having lived in both states for an awfully long time, I would have to agree with Gareth. Georgia wins this one! LOL. Funny article Gareth. XD

  9. Richard Bell

    Now now…let’s not fight, America is FULL of dumbass states. As those of us who have to live in them can testify.

  10. Jeremi

    Whoah! You’re cutting deep there, asshole. I am from Georgia, and I am sick of being lumped in with the water headed trailer trash that you’ve all come to stereotype the south as being. You may be right. I may be part of the few, the proud, the educated southerner; I am at least proof enough that Honey Boo Boo doesn’t speak for us all down here though. I am from a small town too. We have a population of roughly 12,000. The terrible reality is that there is a high concentration of fuck-offs that seem to be pretty evenly distributed per capita throughout this milk dud in the ass of the Earth that we like to call “The United States of America” or “Uncle Sam” as affectionately coined.

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