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The Daily Shame | October 4, 2015

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Chairman Cameron wants protestors to shut up, we’re at war

Chairman Cameron wants protestors to shut up, we’re at war

When I was at school, Brian the Bully basically didn’t much like people disagreeing with him. So when he decided that he was going to put his Wendy house on his neighbour’s front lawn, well, they disagreed with him and said “you can’t do that, you little shit, we own this garden” and he was like “uh-huh” because he was way ahead of his time in talking American dumb-talk.

And there was this standoff and it turned out that Brian wasn’t actually allowed to put his Wendy house on the neighbour’s front lawn. It turned out they had mortgage deeds and everything. Anyway, the family next door decided to protest about this by going to Brian’s parents and saying “you can’t let your son do this” but they were like “uh-huh” and “duh” because, well, they were a bit thick.

And they went to the police and the police were like “yeah well he’s only 7 years old and he has a Wendy house, can’t you just let him play?”

So they got the whole neighbourhood to protest against Brian’s illegal Wendy House construction, and Brian, realising that these were parents from whose children he would be stealing dinner money, backed off.

You see, protest worked. Halcyon days, they were, when you were allowed to protest. Even if you were protesting against something that was really, really stupid, at least you had the right to protest. Nowadays, Chairman Cameron, Great Leader of the Pink-Faced Revolutionary Party, has decreed that protest is kinda not very good at all.

Here are some of the decrees that Chairman Cameron of the Pink-Faced Revolutionary Party wants to, erm, decree:

  • Charging more money for judicial reviews, so basically only rich people can have them
  • No legal requirement for Equality Impact Assessments (i.e. the things that people used to stop libraries from closing and set up as a result of the Stephen Lawrence enquiry)
  • Fewer – and shorter – public consultations

It’s great that we’ve got these things called EIA, because not only do they sound like COMPLETELY BORING things that people don’t need, it contains the word ‘equality’ which would have a Daily Mail reader spitting bile at the very thought that those blackies are getting their way. No, we don’t need these BORING acronym things, they’re just RED TAPE.

The Pink-Faced Revolutionary Party was set up with the single aim of banishing red tape forever and making it easy for his friends to build on everything, just like Brian the Bully did with his neighbours. And Chairman Cameron says we’re at war, basically. So when you’re at war, you have to stop the right to protest and shit. Because protest stops you from winning the war. Duh.

Chairman Cameron says we need a ‘Blitz-like spirit’ and claims he has a ‘battleplan’ to win this war against, erm, planning permission and protestors who want to stop, say, the expansion of Heathrow. Because in the war, we didn’t have planning permission and we didn’t have rules – we just did away with them! So come on, comrades, link arms and let’s build!

Build everywhere we can! Build on your neighbour’s lawn. Why not take a dump there, too? For we are at war! Chairman Cameron said so, so it must be true. And if you don’t like it, well you can’t afford a judicial review and we’re not having any assessments any more, so bollocks to you all.

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