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The Daily Shame | September 2, 2015

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Cameron refuses to do what Leveson says, because he didn’t start with “Simon says…”

Cameron refuses to do what Leveson says, because he didn’t start with “Simon says…”

I was always really good at Simon Says… when I was a kid. In fact, I was the regional champion at the age of 8, an age at which most rational children have moved on to bulldog or sex. No, I was playing Simon Says, mostly with the younger children, but also with an exclusive group of 8-year-old ‘Simon Says’ ninjas. We grew up, eventually taking our skills abroad for inter-continental championships, which is why I knew how to decline the French verb dire before everyone else in school.

Eventually, though, around the age of 13, fame went to my head and I started to hit the bottle, which is about five years after when most children hit the bottle, but hey, I was a late developer. Anyhoo, even to this day, I’ll still refuse to do things unless people say “Simon says” first.

So I’m glad to see that David Cameron is stubbornly standing his ground in his quest “to protect our 300-year-old ancient liberties” from the hordes of regulating, commie fuckers who want to GAG THE PRESS from doing illegal things, and is refusing to accept Lord Leveson’s findings.

In fact, having initiated the whole thing, and having spent GOD KNOWS how much money on this inquiry that seemed to last longer than the creation of the Magna Fucking Carta, David Cameron has had one look at it and gone “naaaw, you didn’t start with ‘Simon Says’ so you’re fine, thanks”.

Now, put your pitchforks down, people, the game of Simon Says is extremely important, and its rules must be protected at all times. Therefore, we here at the Daily Shame are inviting Lord Justice Leveson to come round and start the game again. This time, he HAS to start with Simon Says, and David Cameron HAS to agree with the findings, because every rational person in the country (i.e. those who don’t read the Daily Mail and that stupid old woman on Question Time), pretty much says “yup, that’s fine, do it”.

Most rational people say “you know what, hacking the phone of a girl who has been missing is A. Bad. Thing. To. Do. So we need laws to stop you from doing it.”

Most rational people say “yeah, so Charlotte Church is merely a shade of the singer she was as a child, and her chat show was an abomination, but nobody deserves the hatchet job she got, and nobody’s family should be blackmailed.” Except that stupid old woman on Question Time.

And, it seems… David Cameron. He thinks it’s OK. But that’s because he’s bezzie mates with the likes of Rebekah Brooks, the Ginger Horse he rode so hard. He wants to make her, and his other friends, very happy so that they say “he’s the defender of liberty and freedom”. They’ve got him by the bollocks and they’re portraying him as the only man who stands between free speech and state-controlled PROPAGANDA.

So, he’s Marianne now is he? Do we expect to see a bare-breasted David Cameron leading us to war over this shite? Fuck ‘Simon Says’, Cameron, implement it because everyone with half a brain says it’s a good thing to do. Members of your own party want you to do it. Your own Deputy Prime Minister wants you to do it.

Actually, forget that last one. The British public want you to do it. They also want you to resign, and fuck off, so if you can do that after you’ve implemented Leveson, you’d be doing us all a favour.


  1. Ray Cyst

    That’s just like Simon Jenkins said in the Guardian

  2. Ray Cyst

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