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The Daily Shame | October 24, 2014

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America’s Twinkie Goes Out Because Unions, Basically

America’s Twinkie Goes Out Because Unions, Basically

Well we said it would happen, America. You go elect yourself a brown commie, you ain’t gettin’ no nice things no more, no siree bob, no. Like Twinkies. You ain’t gettin’ no Twinkies no more, no siree bob you ain’t. You see, you go elect a commie and the unions go thinking “hey, we can get STUFF and shit like that” and you can stick your twinkies where the sun don’t shine.

The NERVE of those communists who think that they should be paid MONEY and stuff, well, how very dare they. Hostess, the maker of such typically American snacks such as Twinkies and Devil Dogs, is going out of business and is making each and every single last worker (there’s 18,500 of them apparently) redundant because they went on strike.

Dang, times are hard, and surely workers’ rights have to take a back seat to Twinkie production, don’t they? I mean, in every recession, a family needs to keep up its Twinkie supply in order to maintain morale, what do these people want? How much money do these people actually think they need? Don’t they know there’s Twinkies at stake here? It’s like here in the UK where apparently we’re in a ‘nutrition recession’. We’re poor, therefore, we eat processed food. Just like in the good old days.

That argument didn’t stand up, did it. Anyhoo, let’s hear from some Great American Twinkie lovers:

“How do these just disappear from your life? That’s just not right, man. I’m loyal. I love these things, and I’m diabetic.”

And this: Samantha Caldwell of Chicago took a detour on her way to work to stop at a CVS store for a package of Twinkies to have with her morning tea and got one for her 4-year-old son as well.

“This way he can say, `I had one of those,’” Caldwell, 41, said.

Yes, and he can say ‘This is how I got diabetes, thanks for the responsible parenting you stupid fuck’ when he gets older and resents you.

So, what’s the problem. Why no Twinkies? After all, the company made about $2.5bn revenue in the last year, and that’s a very lot of money. Oh, but it’s those unions. After filing for bankruptcy for the second time earlier this year, and being controlled by people who you may have thought ‘know how to run a business’ (i.e. investment firms, hedge funds, yadiyadiya), they still couldn’t make a profit on their $2.5bn revenue.

And those workers were going about protesting against pay cuts and reduction in healthcare provision, damn them. How on earth can you expect MORE MONEY, or damnit, a LIVING WAGE when the board is getting an 80% pay rise, you selfish union bastards? They’ve got swimming pools to pay for and they don’t come cheap.

In fact, the CEO decided to take a 300% pay rise, taking himself from $750,000 to $2,550,000. Some might say that giving yourself a 300% pay rise in the face of strikes and bankruptcy might be “a very bad idea” and “not very good for business”.

Some might say, however, that the decision to shut the business down had been taken a while ago, and this was just a way of getting as much capital out of the business as possible before the announcement.

In fact, they might make even more money by selling off the brands themselves, as reported today in the Guardian but hey, they won’t be made by them unionised workers, because they want stuff. See what happens? You vote Obama, you lose your Twinkies.

Comments

  1. Really?

    Hur hur hur, that’s not racist at all.
    Ooh, and next I assume you’ll be spouting shit about how we should “send Obama back to Kenya, where he was born!”
    But it’s nice to know that rednecks still exist. “No siree bob, no.” No Twinkies for us.
    It’ll end up all hunky dory fine in the end, I’m sure.

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