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The Daily Shame | November 26, 2014

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Cameron won’t downgrade Kettering Hospital, will downgrade Kettering Hospital

Cameron won’t downgrade Kettering Hospital, will downgrade Kettering Hospital

Let’s talk hospitals, shall we? We haven’t talked hospitals for, erm, about a week, so let’s talk about them, specifically this one in Kettering, which David Cameron says “will not be downgraded”.

He also says “Labour are lying” when Labour say that the hospital will be downgraded and that he’s already planned for it. The government mouthpiece, the BBC, also said that “the NHS has told the BBC the hospital will not be downgraded” and basically banged on about how it’s pretty much safe and being invested in by this government, quoting their favourite government ministers.

So it’s safe! Hurrah! David Cameron has just saved the NHS and Kettering Hospital. Hurrah for David Cameron!

I mean, thank FUCK that they’re not downgrading the hospital because, well, you know, hospitals are sort of essential what with people being born, being injured, being old, being sick, and all that sort of stuff that generally happens. It’s great that David Cameron has stepped in to say that Labour are telling lies, stirring things up and generally not telling the truth about this hospital being downgraded because IT’S NOT.

Except that erm, there’s a problem here. A leaked report has just said that the top option is huge cuts, and losing 515 of 658 beds. Eh? Double-you-tee-fuck?

Sooooo. Let me get this straight, right. Because sometimes I need it spelling out.

1)   Labour says “government is going to downgrade hospital”

2)   Cameron says “no I’m not”

3)   Newspaper reveals plans to cut beds from 658 to 143.

Now, I’m trying to imagine the scenarios in which this might be A. Good. Thing. Let me imagine:

1)   the 143 beds will all be FUCKING HUGE, meaning that ten people can use them. Not ideal, but huge beds = relatively OK.

2)   Not only will they be FUCKING HUGE beds, they’ll also be really comfortable and have great duvets

3)   …

4)   no, can’t think of anything else

So apparently there are five hospitals involved here and they have a funding deficit of £48m. Well, let’s see how much tax Starbucks haven’t paid, and ask them to start paying it so that we can fund this, shall we? Shall we do that? And maybe we can start asking Virgin and Vodafone, too, so we can have some more cash.

The irony of this report is that it was put together by medical “experts” at “Healthier Together” who have clearly forgotten the meaning of those two words: Healthier (wossat?) and Together (as in we’re all in this…).

And the irony is that David Cameron, you know him, that fuckwit who runs the country, just lied to Parliament.

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