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The Daily Shame | October 30, 2014

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Boris Johnson sees no fire, shuts fire stations – let’s see which ones, shall we?

Boris Johnson sees no fire, shuts fire stations – let’s see which ones, shall we?

Well it’s a sad day for cavemen, who invented this thing called fire, and apparently fire has died out. It’s just not fashionable any more. The kids aren’t using fire, and only old people are using it and they don’t have any money any more so bollocks to them. Fire is just so yesterday. Like flares.

So actually, we don’t need fire engines and fire stations, really, do we. Because there’s no fire any more. No one’s making fires, so we don’t need anyone to put them out. Fire’s heyday was back in the 17th century when there was a Really Great Fire of London and everyone had a bit of fire. But since then, fire’s become less and less popular. The people of Britain only use it about once a year and even then, they’ve mostly got it under control.

What fire needs is a celebrity endorsement. We need to set Justin Timberlake alight and then see how many people retweet a picture of him on fire. We need to burn Justin Bieber and see how many girls turn to fire as a result, otherwise fire will just completely die out.

But no, fire’s yesterday’s thing. Or at least, that’s what the mysteriously popular Boris Johnson thinks because he’s going to close loads of fire stations in London. Which ones? Well, he wasn’t saying but then a document got leaked and would you look at that? It’s all over Twitter like gout.

So about seventeen fire stations look like they’re going to close, but don’t worry, fire’s just not popular any more and there ain’t no fires these days so if you do have the misfortune to be on fire at any point, the minimum service Boris is implementing won’t be affected.

Which is a bit like saying “here’s your lunch. I’ve taken away half of the food, but your hunger won’t be affected”.

That’s a joke for you, Boris. You can use that next time you’re trying to be popular.

Of course, James Cleverly, who is chairman of the LFEPA (London Fire and Emergency Planning Authority) said that it’s all going to be FINE and they’re going to be keeping the target of six minutes’ response time, which is great. But it’s just a target isn’t it. People miss targets all the time.

He also failed to mention that the biggest cuts are going to come in poor areas where there are, erm, more fires. But that’s just us being speculative and putting two and two together. And he also failed to talk about the 600 people who are set to lose their jobs. Because the implication is that they’re JUST NOT NEEDED. And that they haven’t been needed for ages. Because fire’s unfashionable?

And all of this comes after Boris, you know, hilarious, funny Boris, went and sold the maintenance and upkeep (and ownership) of ALL of London’s fire engines to someone he knew at Eton, Sir Aubrey Brocklebank. Sir Aubrey has no idea how to maintain fire engines, but he does know how to race Citroen 2CVs. Perhaps Boris was thinking that it would be FUNNY if Aubrey replaced all fire engines with 2CVs. Like a hilarious Carry On movie, and everyone would laugh and say “oh that Boris, he’s a card, let’s all vote for him”.

So when Boris Johnson becomes Tory leader and you’re thinking “hey, what we need is a really FUNNY Prime Minister, not a serious one, we need one who can MAKE US LAUGH”, think back on the time when Boris Johnson sold all the fire engines for £2 to his Etonian mate who has never run a vehicle fleet before and runs his business from his bedroom in Northamptonshire, and then decided to cut the emergency services in London because we just don’t need any help putting out fires and it’s fun to make firefighters redundant. Isn’t it. It’s fun. No?

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