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The Daily Shame | August 21, 2014

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On Climate Change, The Republicans and How My Freezer Defrosted Itself

On Climate Change, The Republicans and How My Freezer Defrosted Itself

This weekend, the freezer defrosted itself. I have absolutely no idea how it happened, because it was absolutely nothing to do with me.

Yeah, sure, people had seen me opening the fridge door, removing all the food from it, and even pulling the plug out of the socket, but the freezer just defrosted and I have no idea how it happened.

Sure, I did those things. I did open the freezer door, I did pull the plug out of the socket, but there is absolutely no scientific evidence to imply causation between my unplugging of the fridge/freezer and the subsequent defrosting of the freezer. I was left with a right mess on the floor – there was water everywhere, I tell you.

This, I believe, is how American Republicans think when it comes to climate change. On the one hand, they’ve got scientists (tch, scientists, what the fuck do they know) parroting on at them about how climate change is man-made and is bad and they’ve got this stuff called data which, as we all know, can be interpreted two ways.

And on the other hand, you’ve got your mates in the oil industry who are stuffing your pockets with cash – $10m of it, to be precise, in two days.

Now then, if I ran a business and I had some money to invest, I’d make darn sure that it made a return on my investment. If I gave somebody $10m, I’d be hoping that the person in question, the recipient, made darn sure to at the very least double it. A tax loophole would be nice.

What’s that? I can have one? Thanks!

I’d also like it (and stop me if I’m asking for too much – I’m not? Great) – so I’d also like it if this person could oppose clean energy initiatives. Oh, he can? That’s just swell!

Gosh, will this never end? So anyway, back to those crazy scientists and their ‘climate change talk’ and what we really need now, in order to keep our friends happy (as they’ve paid us so much money), is a national figure who can convince everyone that climate change is bunkum. Let’s try Rush Limbaugh, shall we? He’s a willing nutcase.

He’s saying that the government is manipulating hurricane forecasts now. No, really, Barack Obama – you know him, the commie brown man in charge, he’s manipulating hurricane forecasts so he can cancel a Republican convention.

Don’t know about you, but I’d vote for a man who could change a hurricane forecast. I’d double my vote if he could actually change the course of a hurricane so it swept up a few more nutcases. A selective hurricane, if you will. I’d become religious if God could do that.

Limbaugh’s even saying that the government are manipulating HEAT. Yes, real heat. Like, when it’s hot, the government are saying it’s hotter than it is because that’s part of their climate change agenda. I like Rush Limbaugh. He makes me feel infinitely more sane than I am.

All of this anti-science talk is particularly disturbing. It’s as if, with information more freely available than ever, with our knowledge seemingly growing by the minute and our scientists even more clever than they ever have been – more and more people (including elected ones) are covering their ears and saying “I don’t believe in data, I don’t believe in any of this, I believe in fairies and pixies!”

So hey, anyway, the Arctic has practically all melted away and America’s getting West Nile disease in Texas and Florida because the rivers are running dry – but none of this is related. It’s just part of the natural pattern – correlation yes, causation, no. No way is it causation, these are just two completely and utterly separate events and you cannot change the path of freedom (for the oil giants) with your climate change talk and your clean energy bollocks, oh no. They are free to give Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan $10m in donations and get favourable policies in return. They are free to pollute because pollution doesn’t cause climate change, they are just two things that happen at the same time and have no link between them whatsoever, climate change is caused by the pixies.

Yes, the pixies. And it was the pixies that defrosted my freezer, I know it. If only I could find them…

Comments

  1. That was fab, very funny

  2. I don’t if I should be laughing or crying. You pegged this perfectly. Bravo! Point well made and excellent prose.

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