Welcome to London… yes, it is always like this, sorry
Hello Olympians! Welcome to the London Olympics 2012, we hope you like it. What’s that? We lost your luggage… yeah, sorry. We do that.
You see, we laid off 1,000 border officials a while back, and now we’ve realised that we shouldn’t have done it, and we’ve had to hire even more. So those long queues and those suspected terrorists we let in… well, shit happens. And as for your baggage (and the Australian sailing team’s sails), well… it happens to the rest of us. It’s all part of the British experience. Just shrug your shoulders, tut and say that something should be done.
Oh, and you got stuck in traffic? Yeah, that happens, too. It even happens when you’re not here. So the American athletes spent four hours trying to get across London… that’s not bad. Four hours is pretty quick. I mean, you’re always banging on about how great London is, so take the time to appreciate it from the comfort of your coach window. Again, it’s all part of the British experience.
And the new cycle lane that we’ve installed on the M4? Yeah, sorry about that. We’re going to cobble the whole thing over the next two weeks, as well, just because it’s something to do, and we love roadworks so much. Oh, and sorry about our drivers not being able to operate SatNavs and everything. If you got lost in and around London, well… it’s nothing new. We’re not doing it just because it’s you – we just don’t know our way around either. It’s complicated, people. We never said it wasn’t.
So, welcome to London 2012, the lot of you. We apologise if there are no security guards, but you see, we employed this company called G4S to look after the games, and they kept telling us everything was OK, they’d be ready. Turns out they were lying. Turns out they couldn’t manage a piss-up in a brewery. In fact, they tried to manage a piss-up in a brewery but nobody turned up. But we’re used to it – again, part of the British experience. So you should get used to it, too.
Anyway, we’re going to interrogate their CEO, Nick Fuckles or Buckles or whatever his name is, and we’re going to have an enquiry. That’s also very British. When things go wrong, we have an enquiry that lasts oooh about five years, and hope that by the end of it, everyone will have forgotten. He’s going to walk away with £20m in his back pocket, which again – welcome to Britain. If you’re in charge and you fuck up, you get money. We’re nice like that.
And another thing – if the security guards don’t bother turning up to work, I’m afraid that happens too. Try getting a plumber to sort out your leaky tap in the middle of winter. They’re all off fitting bathrooms or sunning themselves in South Africa. Sorry.
Oh, and the weather? Well, it’s good you’ve arrived two weeks early in order to acclimatise. We’ve been putting up with it for the last three months so if you think you can come over here and whinge about the weather – well, you’ve got another thing coming. That’s our job.
So, Olympians, welcome to London. And we’re sorry, very sorry, but it’s always like this. So do what we do – complain a bit, and get on with it.