The Daily Star has published scientific research that allegedly proves Muslims are to blame for the rain, as well as all forms of bad weather. Editor Barry Petard claims that the research is definitive proof, as if it were needed, that Britain needed to be ethnically cleansed in order to enjoy a good summer.

Published under the headline “Now Muslims Are Making It Rain”, the article claims that Islam is to blame for centuries of drizzle. Petard backs his claims up with meteorological data dating back to times before the Prophet Mohammed:

“We’ve got data – I mean, really good data – that shows that before the prophet Mohammed came along with all this Islam stuff, the weather was always really good. It was sunny 12 months a year over here in England, and people were all really nice to each other all the time. They were great days, they were.”

“And then these Muslims turn up, and it starts getting wet. In fact, I’m sure it’s in the Qu’ran that they have this secret pact with Allah that it will always rain upon England. So we figure that if you get them out of our country, then the weather will get better. It might not, but we’ll still blame them.”

Daily Star readers have been texting in with righteous fury, with some seemingly on the verge of suicide. Waz, from Leeds, said “i h8 muzzers cos its f-ing freezin in my house n da boiler is broke”, while Slutty Pete from Essex added “is wot i was sayin all along, them is ruining our great cuntry why dont they all go bak to musland”. EDL_Jim added that Muslims may be targetting British sporting events with their bad weather, saying “so they is makkin it rain at Wimbeldon evry yr n wot nxt? the olympix? do we mak it rein fr there friday prayers??? fks sake!”

Hugh Kettling-Youth, head of the Racist Meteorology Society (RMS) said that this was not the only case of foreigners making life bad for the English, saying that “the Jews, for centuries, were responsible for heatwaves – and the drought of 1979 was entirely their fault. And last year’s snow was actually caused by Eastern Europeans, those filthy pick-pocketing bastards. I mean, have you ever thought about it? It’s always sunny in their countries, but always raining in ours. Think about it. Really, think about it.”