Terrorism experts have described Al Qaeda’s latest recruitment video as “appalling, yet tempting”. The video, which is basically Justin Bieber’s latest pop song, is said to be the “most compelling and convincing argument yet for joining jihad”.

Officials have reported a rise in the number of flights booked for Pakistan and Afghanistan since the video was released, saying “the two events cannot not be connected”. One government source said “they’re shit scared about these new tactics”, adding “when I first saw the video, I almost picked up the phone myself to get on the latest flight for Jihadistan or wherever it is they’re going. One look at that manicured, pre-pubescent shit, and even the most moderate of moderates is likely to turn extremist.”

The video, released on YouTube, is accompanied by a rolling 24-hour news style ticker inviting people to join Al Qaeda, and ends with the simple, but clear message “Together, we can stop this from ever happening again.”

Moderate Buddhist George Krishna, from Hounslow in Middlesex, said that he was “immediately enraged” upon viewing the video, and converted instantly to the Islamist sect “Brothers of Blood”. He told the Daily Shame: “All my life I’ve devoted myself to the teachings of Buddha. I’ve even written several books on the path of virtue and compassion, you can download them for your Kindle if you wish. They’re still available.”

“But then my mate Dave sent me this link to something called YouTube. Well, I’ve never really used YouTube before, but I thought – hey, ho – let’s give it a go. And there it was, this monstrosity staring out at me. I thought – what have we become? What have we done to the world? I could barely look at myself in the mirror after that. It raises all sorts of questions about the decline of Western civilisation and the dirty, filthy rotten state we’re in. I googled ‘Islamist sect devoted to Jihad and eradication of all Western Civilisation” and of all things, the Brothers of Blood popped up.”

Foreign Secretary Theresa May said “we’ve been caught with our pants down”, before going on to correct herself, saying “we’ve been caught with our knickers down. The West has much to apologise for, but I fear serious reprisals as a result of this Justin Bieber Al-Qaeda recruitment video. I have been speaking with our American counterparts regarding the potential sacrifice of Bieber.”