The UK economy is losing £5bn a year due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”, according to a report published today. The report claims that the “unnecessary pauses” are destroying productivity and putting us behind our European counterparts.

“Employees are spending up to 3 minutes per day just pausing for dramatic effect – add this up and you’re talking 15 minutes per week, that’s one hour per month, and 12 hours per year. If you have 1,000 employees, then you’re losing 12,000 hours per year just to people pausing for effect, and project that out across the whole of the UK, and you can see we’re in deep shit.”

Experts have laid the blame at the door of reality shows in which presenters wait at least 2 minutes between the words “and the person eliminated tonight is”, and the loser’s name. Sociologist Anthea Papadololoser said “TV is having a huge effect on the way we speak. From people speaking with an upward inflection due to Neighbours in the 80s and 90s, to people now pausing dramatically in meeting situations, we’re highly susceptible. For the sake of the UK economy, I urge people to just spit it out.”

Industry leaders have called for the dramatic pause to be banned in offices, stating that any mid-sentence silence of more than 5 seconds should be punished with a warning from HR. Sir Hugh Jawaje, CEO of Fockwitz Bank International, sacked two bank clerks last week for making customers wait three minutes before revealing how much was in their bank account:

“We’re very customer driven, you see, and we realise that our customers are time-pressed individuals. Therefore, making them wait – and in this case, telling them that it’s the ‘moment of truth’ and reminding them of their last five transactions before revealing their account balance – is inappropriate. I particularly objected to the bank clerk who went for an ‘advertisement break’ before revealing whether a customer would be eligible for a mortgage or not.”

Three more employees of Fockwitz were suspended without pay last week after intentionally inserting blank powerpoint slides into presentations in order to build up anticipation and tension. One of the employees, who works in the Finance department, deliberately built in slow-fade graphics into his presentation, with one fade lasting a record five minutes.

Oswald Buckshackle, Marketing Director of Touattes UK, however, defended the dramatic pause, claiming that it “improved the customer journey exponentially”, adding “customers are used to reality TV, so by pausing for effect, you’re making them feel special and part of the whole experience. Of course, if any bastard did this during a meeting, then I’d have them fired as it really ticks me off.”