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The Daily Shame | October 9, 2015

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Nobel prize committee introduce Nobel Bastard prize to appease China

The Nobel prize committee has announced that, as from next year, it will announce a Nobel Bastard prize, in an attempt to appease China. The Chinese government was particularly annoyed at Liu Xiaobo’s Nobel Peace prize, and is thought to be “looking forward” to next year’s awards, where it hopes to win the first Nobel Bastard.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said “this is a real step forward.” He continued: “At last, we can win a Nobel prize. After all the hard work we have put in, what with Tibet and all that, you’d have thought the Nobel committee would give us something. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait another 12 months before we can get our prize, but we’ll just redouble our efforts.”

China will face stiff competition for the Nobel Bastard award, though, with Robert Mugabe already putting the finishing touches to his speech. Henchman Norman Stanley-Park said that “Rob’s been working on his acceptance speech ever since he heard that the committee were thinking about the Nobel Bastard prize. There’s a lot of jokes, some really good ones about white farmers- oh, I did laugh when I first heard them – but a lot of serious stuff, too – I mean, you can’t be a total bastard without killing a few people here and there, can you? It’s not all ho ho and hee hee.”

“Rob’s taking this well serious,” he concluded, grimly.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has already allocated several thousands of pounds towards a “Bribery fund” set up especially for the Nobel Bastard prize, and has dispatched a bevvy of busty beauties to seduce the judging panel. Slavering Silvio told reporters: “this prize is mine by right. That is why I’m sending as many pairs of ginormous tits as I can find to convince the judges that there is no bigger shitface in the world than me.”

“My total dedication to being a complete fuckhead has driven me to where I am today. If anything, I should be winning the Lifetime Achievement award for being a total cock, but I think the judges will eventually go with some chinky or other.”

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