William Hague further endangered relations with India today by appointing himself Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal, First Marquess Hague of Madras and Imbiber of Kingfisher, much to the ire of the locals. Hague, who remains unaware of the loss of the Empire, said that he would be “touring the colonies” to “quell the revolting natives”.

“My visit to India comes at a time of grave importance,” beamed Hague. “We need to take firm action against these restless natives, otherwise we’ll lose the Empire, don’t you know! 13 years of Labour has effectively lost us control of the British Empire!” Hague then beckoned to one of his man servants to peel him a grape, while another knelt down in front of him to act as a table. He continued, grape in mouth:

“India is of huge strategic value to the Empire, so it is vital that we quell this highly unusual thirst for personal and individual success that they seem to have gained during Labour’s control, and get them back to being completely and utterly servile in the name of the Queen and myself. These days, they have no respect! I walked down a high street in Delhi, and nobody got out of my way! People were bumping into me or trying to sell me stuff.

“I’m Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal and a few other things, I can’t quite remember the full title right now… in the good old days, they’d have been bowing down in front of me!”

Hague’s visit to India has been mired in controversy from the start. The Foreign Secretary stepped off the plane at Indira Ghandi International Airport wearing a safari suit and sporting a rifle, which was immediately seized by what Hague calls “disrespectful” customs officials. Hague then proceeded to berate airport officials for failing to shine his shoes, and asked for one to be sacked because he was speaking on his mobile phone instead of kow-towing to the new Lord Viceroy of India, Preserver of the Taj Mahal, First Marquess Hague of Madras and Imbiber of Kingfisher.

“The Lord Viceroy is very angry,” said Hague’s adviser Ronseal Barrowthorpe III of Basingstoke. “The locals are out to get him. Last night, he tried to order a Chicken Balti, and nobody had a clue what he was talking about. They were definitely pretending. Everyone knows what a Balti is. Lord Hague is furious that the Labour Government has let the Empire slip through our fingers to such an extent. We have had 13 years of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, and the Empire has gone to the dogs under Labour.”

Hague’s team have been trying to arrange a tribal dance for the Lord Viceroy to attend, in an attempt to appease him. Locals, however, are confused: “Who is this funny little white man?” said Arun, a multi-millionnaire from Bombay.