A Tory MP was today accused of letting voters down after being found in what has been described as a “horrific state of sobriety”. Cuthbert von Rochester, MP for Thrush-on-Cheeks, told reporters that he was “absolutely 100% sorry” for his error.

“I’ve been a fool,” he said, reading from a prepared statement at a press conference. “I’ve been a damn fool and I’ve let everyone down. Not only was I completely and utterly sober, I was actually drinking carrot and wheatgrass juice until 10 in the morning with my wife. There is no excuse for my actions, and I apologise wholeheartedly. I now have to face my children, who know that I was sober at work, and I do not know how I can live with that shame. I now return to my constituency whereupon I shall endeavour to continue my work as a drunk.”

There are suggestions that von Rochester has been coerced by the party into turning his sobriety problem into a public consultation. Von Rochester himself added: “In fact, I shall be asking my constituents which drinks they want me to get drunk on, as part of our new openness thing.”

Fellow MPs have lambasted Von Rochester for his appalling sobriety. Liam Fox slurred: “He’s a f-cking disgrace. I tell you what, I’m challenging him to a fight – a fight, yes that’s right, a fight. Me and him, mano a mano, outside on the lawn outside Westminster. Come on Von Rochie or whatever your name is – think you can be a Tory MP without being off your bloody head? Bastard.”

Theresa May swigged back her eighteenth gin and tonic before launching into a tirade, saying “it’s people like him that make it just Britain – not Great Britain – not Amazing F-cking Britain, just Britain. He makes me sick. Or that might just be the gin. Wha’ever. I saw him, right. I saw him walking IN A STRAIGHT LINE down this corridor in Westminster. He wasn’t even singing about green goblins or anything, he was just – sober. There was no vomit dribbling down his chin, his tie was straight. Everything was wrong. He wasn’t slumped in a corner or passed out in a chair… he doesn’t deserve to be a Tory.”

Thrush-on-Cheeks resident Patsy Gibberish said that “it’s high time we were able to recall our MPs. The good name of Thrush-on-Cheeks has been besmirched by the selfish, sober actions of our Member of Parliament. We all remember our last MP, and how he fondled women’s bottoms and ran round the village square with his pants down. That’s what we expect, not this sober, pants-up, tie-wearing, carrot-juice-drinking crap.”

Von Rochester is expected to drink-drive back up to his constituency tomorrow where he will spend the entire day swilling port and whisky on the orders of Tory leader David Cameron, before launching himself face-first into the village pond wearing suspenders and a gas mask.