The government committee set up to investigate global warming has accused Polar Bears of “exaggerating” the melting of the ice caps. Rupert Murdoch, who kindly volunteered to head up the commission, said “there is startling evidence that polar bears have been putting on a bit of a show.”

The report published today, entitled “Polar Bears are telling lies about climate change”, highlights the lengths polar bears will go to convince us of global warming. Researchers discovered one polar bear whose application for an iceberg extension was repeatedly turned down by the authorities, and consequently posed in a number of photographs looking sad and forlorn for National Geographic magazine. The polar bear, known as “Pete”, is alleged to have received huge payments from National Geographic and climate change activists.

“This Pete character has been taking payments from a number of sources,” claimed Murdoch, “most notably a shady bunch of climate change ‘activists’ who want us to believe that the ice caps are actually melting. Pete lives on a huge iceberg just north of Canada, and he’s been applying for an extension for years.”

“In short,” he continued, “these polar bears are taking the mickey out of us. They try to look all cute and cuddly, but when we approached Pete for a statement, he turned on us and severely mauled one of our junior researchers who is still in a critical condition. So, you see – not only are they crafty, but they’re malicious, too.”

In an apparent riposte to the report, the group “Polar Bears For Change” (PBFC) issued its own report highlighting the plight of the Polar Bear. PBFC’s Chief Bear, Dave, told the Daily Shame: “I remember the good old days when I was growing up, there was ice everywhere. They were great days. My parents had a massive iceberg just off Norway – they saved up for years, and now there’s next to nothing left of it. Nowadays, a Polar Bear considers himself lucky if he’s got 50 square metres of ice and a couple of plates of fish a day, and all those Polar Bears who invested in the good days are all in negative equity. Look at these pictures of really sad bears. Look at them. Look really hard.”