The Orange order marches will include a freestyle section from next year in an attempt to appeal more to Northern Ireland’s youth. The marches, which are a traditional part of the annual Catholic Taunting calendar, are seen by many as “a bit sombre” and “far too serious”.

Ben Gobbin, Head of Events at some Marketing company or other, said that his company was approached to “liven up” the Orange marches and broaden its appeal: “There’s a great tradition there, and besides the fighting that traditionally takes place, there’s a real heritage. But there’s a common perception that the Orange marches are a little, well… how can I put it? Dull? After all, marching has that kind of ‘one-two-one-two’ feel to it. What we want to do is introduce a freestyle section to the march.”

Teenagers have already said that they will be taking part next year. Donald Trousers from Portadown said “Me Dad always takes part so he does, but not me. I don’t like marching, it’s kinda boring. But when I heard they’re going to introduce freestyle, I thought – hey, me and me mates would like a bit of that. So I’m going to be practising me breakdancing, while Daz is going to do some handstands. Kerry’s up for a bit of hip-hop while Wierd Alan is practising his groinal thrust walking manoeuvre, which is controversial but great.”

“I can’t wait for next year,” he added.

Traditionalists are appalled at the idea of introducing freestyle marching. Ian Paisley told reporters that it would “never happen even over my dead body”, promising to maul anyone not doing the simple “one-two-one-two” marching, with his own teeth: “I’ll kill them so I will. This is a march, not a rave. If I see any bastard gyrating their hips or thrusting their groins, or even doing a f-cking handstand, I’ll tear them apart with my own bare hands.”

Professionals have indicated that they may be interested in taking part, leading to fears that the Orange marches will be somewhat diluted. Gold medal freestyle walker Drainpipe Oldham-Pickles said that he “was really looking forward to a new challenge”, and that next year’s Orange marches may represent the biggest challenge yet: “I’m always looking for something new. Only last year, I freestyled it across the whole of Somalia, so the Orange marches should be a doddle. However, I’d be doing it out of respect for the other marchers, so I’d have to tone it down a bit. Obviously I wouldn’t do the Charlie Chaplin routine.”