Nigeria’s seventh annual “Scammies” awards took place last night in Lagos, with the great and the good taking part in a lavish spectacle which rewarded Nigeria’s best scammers for their hard work and innovation. Host Billy Crystal told a rapturous audience that “hosting the Scammies is a dream come true – I’ve only paid £5,000 for the privilege….. so far!”

Joseph Aboyomi won “Young Scammer of the Year” for his portrayal of the widow of the recently deceased King Moses Odiaka. The judges particularly praised his grit and determination, with a highly targeted Direct Mail campaign that reaped a 0.0001% conversion rate, and a return on investment of £300,000. As the widow of the recently deceased King Moses Odiaka, Aboyomi delighted critics. One said that “it was reminiscent of a young Julia Roberts, full of pathos and guile, a majestic performance,” while another said “Joseph captured that particularly unique combination of grief and neediness.”

“I can’t believe I’ve won Young Scammer of the Year,” beamed a tearful Joseph. “I’d like to thank my parents, who don’t know anything about this, and the good people in the Nigerian government who never do anything about scamming. Without them, none of this would have been possible.”

“Scam of the Year” went to Benny Ewome for his “Granny Sting”, which saw him scam more than twenty silver surfers in the UK within one week. In fact, at one point, Benny even had two grandmothers scamming the others for him, something that took even him by surprise:

“I didn’t think it would pay off,” said Ewome. “But after I’d cleared out their bank accounts, they set about clearing the bank accounts of other grannies. It was almost a pyramid scheme, I guess. Perhaps this will be the model for scamming in the future – who knows? I’ve made myself over half a million with this scam, and it could change the game forever, so yes, I’m pleased with the award. Now I just sit back and watch the money pour in.”

Judge Aiyegbeni Modu said that this year’s scammers were some of the best he’s ever seen, adding: “The quality is very high. Very high indeed. We have seen many great ways of using ebay, gumtree or local classifieds sites, and some brilliant e-mails. One of my favourites was a young man who managed to juggle about fifty different characters. In fact, he was the guy who convinced Billy Crystal to come and host the Scammies, and he’s wiped out his bank account too! A rising star, one might say.”

However, the most emotional moment of the night was reserved for Mrs Mollycoddled, of Norwich, who won “Lifetime Achievement Award” for what the judges call her “unswerving dedication to paying Nigerian scammers for anything and everything”. Mrs Mollycoddled, who is often used by first-time scammers for training purposes, has given up almost every spare penny she has to Nigerian scammers, and was unable to attend the awards ceremony due to not knowing about it. However, scammers have installed a webcam in Mrs Mollycoddled’s living room, and the 5,000-strong audience gave her a tearful, standing ovation as she pottered around making a cup of tea.